twelve years back

Dear Diary,

All this timeI thought Jane had been my first friend. I just realised it wasnt her. Its not like I wouldnt've liked it or something,I mean, you know what I mean right? It was Jason. I had no cousins my age and my neighbourhood was full of mummies and daddies with kids who loved ribbons and glitter. He was the only one my age, sharing my interests and the only one who ever understood me. I remember we had a time restriction in school days. Not staying over after nine.
It had been five minutes past nine and our guard was wierd. I remmember him escorting me past the security guard, threatening him his miniature batman, because it was dark and I was scared. I remember he was the only kid who got me. Everyone else was so wierd back then. He helped me when I was stuck, taught me how to do my laces and tie a pony tail. I remember watching "the shadows" with him. It was dark and the movie was scary. I held on to his arm tightly and he held on even tighter claiming he was doing it to "make sure I wasn't scared" while terror was plain on his face. We have a picture in one of his favourite arm chairs. We're wearing the same shorts, same plain t-shirts. Hell, all my childhood photos are with him.I remember he used to save his pasta for me because I loved it more than I loved mine and in turn I used to save him half of my share of cupcakes.

He gave me his "boo". I still have it. That little monsters inc. toy. Then there were his humungous crayons and those huge blocks. They were open to me at all times. Alex and Wade weren't allowed to touch them without his permission. And there was that ultimately long coridoor full of computers which was out of bounds for us kids. We used to sneak in anyway. Then there was that small peddel thingy car. It was so stupid yet we had the time of our lives on it.

Remember his huge white bunny? he gave it to me so I wouldnt be afraid at night. His room had two single beds, I have no idea why. I stayed there on weekends sometimes.The beds were freaky. Either he ended up crawling in mine or I ended up crawling in his. We were best friends. Alex and Wade weren't allowed to be there when I was around because "boys become bad and they fight. I'll beat them if they hurt you but...you know..the thing is...Alex is way taller than I am. So im not going to let them near you."

Every summer, till the third grade,we used to make crepe paper roses. Only, it was Auntie Isabelle who did it, we just ended up all bathed in UHU. We used to eat the entire jar of dry ovaltine. His mum ended up giving up on bringing more of it.

Back when we were tiny, Auntie Isabelle, to get rid of us, used to pick us up and make us sit on the car bonnet. We couldn't climb down. We ended up climbing onto the roof and bending it waaayyyy in.
We watched the ninja turtles all the the time and asked the entire family wether Raphael was good or Donatello was better. They mostly said Raphael since that was the easier name.Then gran shifted about five miles away. I was what? ten at that  time?. And I didn't really meet him all that much after all. All we did was play hide n seek on family get togethers sometimes. I dont even think if he ever thought about me after that. Then Alex and Wade caught up with him, told him that I was a "girl" and he was a "man" and it was lousy of  a man to have a "girl" as a bestfriend and not have any "dudes" to have his back. He told them they were idiots. Then them and the other kids in the neighbourhood gave him a beating to demonstrate that I woudn't be able to protect him. He started hanging out with them. I hated that. But since we never talked that much, never met so I didnt really have a right to hold an opinion. But they were bullies and he'd chosen them. I never turned to face him again. It didn't really hurt. I was ten back then and I didnt even know how actions and words could possibly hurt someone. I wasn't hurt. Just angry. A little. I wish every goodbye could be this easy..

And then i met him three or four years later. I was going to be fifteen that November and he was going to be fifteen that October. Three years had passed. Three entire years.We met at another family get together. I had managed to escape the crowd and slipped upstairs to the lounge. I'll admit I'm a little shy. After what seemed like an eternity, I heard the door open. I was expecting my mum. It was him instead. I should've guessed. The guy I knew was nervous around guests and turned scarlet at every kiss somene gave him -even his own mother.

"You watched the last part of Harry Potter yet?" ---------silence---------"nope"--------silence---------"you don't like the series do you?"----------silence----------*nod*.I got up and walked away.

Six months later, I broke my leg. I couldnt walk and was skipping my exams. The only way I knew he knew, was when his mum said 

"You know,Jason said you're lucky in a way.'she can totally skip exams'.He said he miss- nevermind. How are you now dear? You should come over sometimes......" and on and on she went. He never came to meet me.

And all this time, whenever someone had asked me who my bestfried was, I'd simply answered

"Jason"

Then I had to go over to his place for some reason. He never looked up from his laptop. Just kept on going all red. So now I really was a stranger. THAT was when I realized I didn't have my bestfirend any more. I had no idea what went wrong with us. That's when it actually did hurt. I still have flashbacks and the childhood memories are still fresh in my mind.The truth is he WAS my bestfriend for twelve entire years and now he probably didn't even know I existed. Thing is, I cant erradicate the fact that I spent my entire childhood, holding his hand, hiding, crouching behind his back and now I felt disgusted by even thinking I let him sit next to me. Sometimes I wish I could have my childhood back.  Now that I look back, we had a humungous similarity- we both didn't have our fathers' support.

Even if I did get a chance to be his friend, I'd probably refuse. I'd say no. You wanna know why? You ever wondered why I keep pictures of his childhood and not his 16 year old handsome as hell self? Its because I was best friends with the kid he was, not this huge teenager he's transformed into. Maybe we're better appart and i've grown up.

                                                                                                  love,

                                                                                                         me.