23
"I chase an old love just to feel loved, but it gave me nothing that was real"
Chest heaving, he rolled over and lay beside the girl he had found in the bar earlier that night. He had been doing ok all week since he found out that 'His Princess' was moving to London that weekend. But come Saturday night, the thought of another lonely night knowing she was landing in the same city as him made him crack, and so, he went out with his mates, returning home with a girl he barely remembered the name of.
He hadn't intended on bringing someone home, though part of him knew it was likely to happen, he had just planned on getting drunk so he would fall asleep easier. He turned his head to see that she had her back facing him and he knew better than to try talk to her about the reason he couldn't sleep, a girl he loved since he was 16.
He looked at his phone to see it was 3am, and with a loud groan, he dragged himself out of bed, pulled on some grey joggers and headed to the living room. He decided he would find something to watch and drink until he drifted off. He knew the girl would probably be gone before he would wake up.
With his cold bottle in his hand and some random crime drama he had found playing, he lay spread out on his huge grey sofa, thinking about the girl he wished he was lying beside. He hadn't thought about her in a while, until his mother phoned him a couple of weeks ago, telling him the news. His mother was always keeping him informed about her, whether he wanted to know or not. He wished he didnt want to know, but even just hearing her name could bring a smile to his face.
He looked around his living room, taking in everything he had. The bookcase lit up, displaying all his awards and photos, the massive TV in the centre of it, his shiny black piano and his guitars, and his floor to ceiling windows looking out over London city. He looked at all the apartment buildings, she was in one of them. Part of him was desperate to run out and find her, but he didn't know what he would say if she was stood infront of him, and that worried him. Some day soon, he would bump into her on the street and he would have to say more than just 'hey'.
He looked at all of these things he had that he knew he was very fortunate to have, but yet he felt so empty and wanted nothing more than her, the girl he met in school, the girl who flew out to surprise him on tour in San Francisco when he was 18, he then returned the favour by using one of his few days off that year to bring her to prom. She was his first time, his first girlfriend and the only girl he could say he ever really loved.
But she was also the girl that his busy schedule, demanding management and the abusive media forced him to break up with shortly after she started college.
With their parents being good friends with eachother, they saw eachother at Christmas, and a couple of other times over the years since they broke up. Everything was civil and he thanked God for that. They could talk to eachother when they went out to see old school friends in their home town, but there was always the slight awkwardness of feeling they were meant to be more than friends. They missed sneaking in and out of each others houses when their parents were away, or driving up to the top of the hills to be alone. Even just to sit on the hood of his Range Rover with a blanket around them, looking up at the stars and talking about his career and the future they hoped to have when she finished college.
When they first broke up he was broken but work kept him busy. They both eventually got on with their lives but never really moved on. They always thought of eachother and even sent Happy Birthday texts to eachother. They were doing ok, apart from one drunken hookup when they were 21. She was still in college and the boys were playing in that city. He sent her and her friend tickets as usual and saw her in the front row. After the show he called her backstage to chat which eventually lead to going out for a drink which eventually lead to a fight the next morning. They weren't angry at eachother, they were just angry that they couldn't have eachother, and that night reminded them of what it was like when they did have eachother.
People said teenagers didn't know what love was, but they highly disagreed. Sometimes when he was lonely he blamed himself, thinking that maybe if he never followed his dream and just got a normal job at home like all his friends, maybe she'd be lying under his arm right now. But he knew if she knew he was blaming himself, she'd probably just tell him to 'cop on' or 'wise up'. Thinking about that made him chuckle to himself as he took a sip from his bottle.
After her, he always told himself he would never turn into someone who slept with a different girl every night. Sure he slept with plenty of girls over the years, but he usually tried to make a relationship out of it first. But he was now 23, and didn't have his band to keep him busy, and he was only human. He got lonely and had been getting into quite the habit of buying girls a drink and watching them walk out his door the next morning.
He hated lying in the arms of a stranger, but it got him out of his thoughts for a night, and he usually got a song out of it for the album he was working on; another distraction from the loneliness he felt from being single and away from his friends. He struggled with the boredom now that he had nothing to do, and was desperate to finish this album to get back on stage.
At 9am he woke up to the sound of heels coming up the hallway. He sat up and saw a bottle and two cans lying in the floor.
"Hey", she said timidly. She was beautiful.
"Hey".
"Umm...I guess I'll...see you around", she smiled picking her jacket up from the floor, where they had threw it last night.
"Uh, yeah", he cleared his throat, standing up, heading to the door. He opened it for her and gave her a sheepish smile to which she gave a nod in response. He knew she was feeling just as lost and lonely in life as he was.
He closed the door gently and stood with his back against it, staring at the bookcase on the other end of the room. He could see her bright 19 year old smile poking out from behind a picture of him and the lads. It was a picture of one of the last nights out they had together before they ended it.
He picked up a book he had been writing songs in and wrote down a few words that had came into his head. He then threw it across the room and stormed back to the couch with no intention of getting off it anytime soon.
"No matter what I do it's not enough, but I guess I'm holding on to you still"
