Lesson Plan [H.S.]

Part XII

Ally's POV

It's been a year since I had my miscarriage, but I have yet to go a day without thinking about it. Even on a day like today, my wedding day.

I try not to let it really bother my day to day activities anymore, but the odd time something will trigger it and I'll have a bad day — like seeing a couple out with their newborn or passing by a baby shop. It still hurts to this day, just not as much.

Thinking back to that time is extremely painful for me, it wasn't a good time for either of us. We both were trying to cope and deal with it together but it was hard, especially when we didn't even understand how to deal with ourselves individually.

I didn't have sex with Harry for months, not until I felt good in my own body again, not until I felt like it was mine. It was weird, I was walking around in my own body but it somehow didn't feel like my own, not after I lost the baby. I felt this weird disconnect, almost like I didn't trust my own body anymore to get me through the day.

I was also confused too. The pregnancy wasn't planned, so I wasn't understanding why I didn't feel relieved that I was no longer pregnant. I didn't expect it to hurt as bad as it did. I feel like I should have been grateful, I didn't have a teaching job yet, Harry and I weren't married or about to be any time soon, and we were only 24. We weren't ready in any way, shape, or form to care for a child but yet I felt such a deep hole in my heart when the chance to be a mother was stripped away from me. Why?

I couldn't wrap my head around it all. I was so overwhelmed and just so tired. So fucking tired.

Harry has been so great with me about it all too, and I can only hope he feels the same way about me. I know it wasn't just me who lost the baby, I'm not the only one affected. He's handled it better than me, but he still has his bad days — especially when Heath and Lydia told us they were expecting. When they broke the news to us, we were so extremely happy for them, giving them each a big hug and telling them how excited we were, which we were, but once we got home I couldn't stop the tears from falling and neither could Harry, the both of us thinking about how that should have been us. We should have been the first ones to be pregnant in our group, to express our happiness over having a new member of our family.

So days like those have been hard for us, but we always make it through. We're Ally baby and Harry baby, we can get through fucking anything.

I began to eventually realize that I couldn't let this stop me, I couldn't let it hold me back. After the doctors told me they couldn't see anything wrong with me internally that would have caused the miscarriage, or make it likely to have another one in the future, I began to get my life back in order, and I started by getting a damn job.

Harry had his amazing job and when he was gone to it was when I would feel the most alone. It wasn't that I relied on Harry to make me happy all the time, but I couldn't help the spiral of thoughts that would take over as I mulled over the fact that I could have a baby by now to take care of.

Once I started the job search, I found one after about two months worth of interviews and such, and I am now Ms. Sudell, the proud teacher of first graders. Harry was so proud of me, and I was proud of myself too — for the first time in a while.

Going back to wedding planning was so good for us, it was something we needed to get our minds focused on the positive. We already had a majority of it planned out before Harry decided to put it on hold, it was just a few minor details left.

Finding a wedding dress was a lot easier than I thought it'd be too. I took Lydia, Khloe, and Raya with me — my bridesmaids. Harry and his party, Heath, Kyle, and Tris, went to get suits on the same day I got my dress, killing two birds with one stone.