All The Letters Never Sent

To: My childhood crush

You have probably forgotten me.

Well, it is very normal, seeing the fact that we have not see each other for four years straight.

We first met when we were seven. It was so long ago only flashes of memories are left, wandering silently in my head. 

We had been in the same class for four years, since the first day of elementary school, and it is still a huge regret for me that I didn't try to spend more time with you, when we were younger and so pure. It was fourth grade when we really got to know each other. Or rather, I got to know you.

I honestly have no idea when I started to feel the way I felt. I just know almost right after fourth grade started, I couldn't help but staring at you every lesson. The confident smile. The gleaming eyes. The attentive face. I mean, you weren't the stereotype "handsome" guy, but you look so warm, almost as if your face itself radiates sunshine. You were the reason I climbed out of bed for some time.

This was when the most amazing thing in my entire school life happened. The teacher assigned new seats every three months, and guess what, I got to sit with you. That made my day. Or rather, week, month, year.

And you must be reminded once again, that I was still a 4th grader back then, which means I was nine, which means I am absolutely clueless in terms of attracting a boy. To get your attention, I did all sort of stupid things. I stole your stationaries and stuffed them in my drawer; this made you annoyed as hell, and you decided to put your entire pencil case in a locked backpack. I pretended that I forgot to bring my stationaries, so you will kindly lend me a pencil; the ones with the minion cartoon on top, I still remember. It enlightened me that, you gave me your favourite one, and leave yourself a plain one. But that's just how you treated everyone; with a bright smile and kind heart.

Then it was the group project about African culture, in which we were in the same group. At the end of that project, everyone will have to participate in a African-dance. Ugh, I thought at first, this month will be the worst times of my life; I hate dancing as much as you hated drawing. I mean, you are good at it, but you sworn to never join the art club (that I joined). Anyways, our group consisted of six classmates; three boys and three girls. The people of the same gender held hand, but then we needed to form a circle. That's when I realized, I was going to hold your hands for the very first time! It was nothing romantic, obviously, but to me, that was something to look forward to for three months. Every time we practice, I hoped to never let go. Looking at you, my face turned boiling hot and red, like a cooked tomato. Was I just daydreaming, or did I saw your face warming up a few degrees too? I had no idea, and still have no idea.

"Banuwa, banuwa, banuwayou..." The funny lyrics went on and on, but I cared and knew was your hand clutching on mine, as I unwillingly let go for the last time, on the show, I knew I might not have the opportunity to touch you again.

I was hoping to enjoy the rest of the three months which I got to sit with you, but that's when our teacher, Miss Lam, shattered this tiny dream. "Hey, Charmaine, you reckon you grew so much taller this few weeks?"

"No?" I replied, very confused.

"Ah well, Nicole sat two seats behind you, you know. She says your head is making her extremely hard to see the words on the board." She paused, as if waiting for me to volunteer switching seats with Nicole. I didn't. "So... I guess you gotta switch seats with her, if you don't mind." I minded.

"Miss, I mean, I can bend down a little maybe? Like.." I had no idea how to decline.

"No. It will be very uncomfortable for you, you see. And I don't see the problem of switching seats, you've grown so tall, you will have no problem taking notes even from the back of the classroom!"

I was gloomy, of course, but still, I had the hope of spending more time with you next grade. That's when I found out you will transfer to another school. You didn't even tell me yourself, but I knew it from other classmates. I realized, I might never ever see you again one you leave. I decided courageously, to write a letter to you, telling you how important you were to me, how wonderful it was to spend time with you. I actually did spent four hours writing a 1500-words letter to you, using my favourite twin-stars envelope. I actually did get to school an hour earlier, placed the letter carefully into your drawer, without letting anyone know. It was just, I clasped it back the moment one of your feet stepped in the classroom. The whole day, you didn't talk to me once, so I didn't either. When it was time to go, you were out of my sight before I knew. We didn't even say bye.

--

We did met again. One year later. In one of those writing course. I was sitting right at the back of you, yet you made no efforts on greeting me, so I dared not say hi. We then needed to line up and summit our writings. I was right behind you then, and I never realized how close I was to you. The you that appeared in so many of my dreams. On the line, I half accidentally, half purposely, slightly bumped into you. Yet you still didn't acknowledged me.

As the event ended, I still didn't realize, that it really was the last time I will ever have you in my sight, still didn't realize, that I should have said something, just to not leave a regret. As you got into your car, you were out of my sight before I knew.

--

Years after that, I am more matured than that love-sick kid I was. You still appear in my dreams, once a few months. I decided it is not love, never had been. It was just a crush, that I experience so often nowadays. No, it may not be even a crush, it was precisely, a childhood crush. I have to admit, I had had strong feelings for you, which makes you still have a place in my heart right now. But now, if you appear right in front of me and ask me out, I will not accept. Because it is a childhood crush, the sort that is so powerful yet immature and pure.