The Memory Of Light Discontinued....

chapter 1

"Toby"
I hear my name, as I slowly open my eyes. I'm laying in a white bed, on my left a window. On my right, a familiar face from who I ment last night. She was wearing a white coat, underneath she was wearing a yellow top and black leggings. Dr. Puffy I remember. My head is flowing with thought, so full, all coming at me in slow motion. Dr. Puffy is talking. Sounds with no meaning. Words from her and some someplace in me.

"Toby"
I hear Dr. Puffy say again in the distance. "People call you tubbo" I nod.
She pulls up a chair and sits, but the bed is so high I can only see the top of her head. She presses a button to lower it but nothing happens. She stands and takes a few steps back to give me space.

"How do you feal?" I can tell she's asking about my body and not my mind. I touch my throat, noticing soreness there for the first time. "From the stomach pump" Dr. Puffy says "I can give you some lozenges if you'd like" I shake my head. I remember waking up gagging, a rubber tube in my mouth, and a woman with dark hair holding my shoulders down. Then I must have past out again. I'm wearing a hospital gown. I wonder what happened to my clothes?

"Your at dream smp hospital. Your dad agreed to have you stay here until tomorrow, but you can choose to stay longer with us if you want." Dr. Puffy tells me. Want. Decide. The words are like cascarones we used to decorate for Easter when my younger sister was alive. Egg shells empty of life, meant to be admired. All I want now is the silence I felt last night.
"Do you feel like taking a little"
"Not really" I whisperer quietly. I mean I don't know what there is to say. Dr. Puffy offers me a glass of water and I take a sip of it. I hand it back to her and she places it on the night stand next to the bed.
"I'm happy to be hear without speaking if you want"
"Okay" we are silent for a while, and I don't mind the silence. I would think of the times I would sit next to my sisters bed after she became sick.  I used to read her there favorite poems, sometimes she'll fall asleep. I gaze over at Dr. Puffy to see an empty bed with magazines on top. I hope whoever sleeps in this bed doesn't talk.

"Do you know who found you?" She asks me. "Found me?" "You would have died if you wernt found." My father never comes into my room so how was I saved? Who is responsible for this mess? Dr. Puffy opens a brown folder. "The paramedic wrote in her report that Quackity called 9-1-1."
'Quackity.' something breaks and burns near my heart. "Aperently" Dr. Puffy looks back up at me. "You didn't know."
"I don't remember much......I took the pills. A pain in my chest. My throat. The ambulance." I remember my fathers face when he came to see me in the  intensive care. Dr. Puffy waits for me to say more. "Quackity is my mom" "she must love you very much" I look around the room somewhere to hide my eyes. "What happened last night?" Dr. Puffy asks. I bite my lip. Last night. Was it me or someone else saw my father leave.

"Tubbo" I wait for the pressure on my throat to lessen so I can breath. "How can you love someone and still try and kill yourself?" Dr. Puffy does not answer. She hands me the box of tissues, and I stare at it until I realize the tears streaming down my face. I wipe my tears away. "Would you like to call quackity?" She reaches into the pocket of her white coat and pulls out a phone. No. Yes. How can I feel both with equal force? I'm so ashamed, but I want to hear his voice again. "He'll want to know why" is all I say to Dr. Puffy. "Do you know why?" "No."
"Then say you dont know, that's something your trying to figure out"
"He's going back to Mexico soon..."
"Oh" she says to me
"My father wanted to break up and want him out of the house." There is some sort of disbelief on Dr. Puffy's face. Then she nods. "I'll let you have some privacy" she says standing up and handing me the phone. She leaves the room closing the door behind her.

I dial quackity's number and it starts to ring.
"Hello"
"Momma. Its me."
"Omg, are you ok" his voice is soft and fragile, almost tearful.
"I'm ok"
"I was so worried about you, you at the hospital? Your father says your coming home tomorrow. I wanted to go with you last night but the ambulance men said no. I cant believe I get to hear your voice, I cant believe your alive."
"You know what happened last night?"
He then continues to talk.
"I was in my room..packing, till I heard I loud thump coming from you room, at first I thought you just dropped something and asked if you were ok. The thing is you never answered so I got worried and checked your room. Then I saw you on the floor with the pills next to you." He poused and then continues. "I know there sleeping pills your father. So then I called 9-1-1 and your father imidulty."
I sat quietly, thinking to myself.
"What happened, toby? Why do you do something so horrible? Something happen in school?"
"No,no"
"Do you miss lani? I miss her too. Lani wouldn't want you to do this."
"I know" I say as rubbing my eyes.
"Who hurt you, toby tell me."
"No one, mamma, no one hurt me. It just hurts inside. I don't know why."
"Is it jschlatt? Is that what happened?"
"No..." I have no answers to these questions. No explanations that make sense. I feel my head shrinking, tightening with pressure.
"He tries, he just needs to learn how to smile, so serious always. But he's not bad...on the inside. Your father, he loves you, even though sometimes he seems confused on how to love. But he's okay"
It's so painful to hear mamma say these things about father even after he's done to him. "Mamma, I have to go. I wanted to let you know I'm ok." "I'll be here, honey. I wont leave for Mexico till your home. I would stay with you if I could but-" "mamma this thing with the pills don't mean I dont love you."
"I know that, toby, I know."
"I have to go now mamma"
"Don't cry my little baby. Everything's okay. You see"

I end the call
I lay there for I don't know how long. My hand still on the phone as if I'm scared to let go of the voice that just spoke to me. I realize, to have people in your life who love and you love, and still want to kill yourself. It's as if the reason was for them, because you are not worthy of there love, and you want to stop being a burden to them. I feel quackity's love now. And it makes me feel so much worse.

I feel a gentle touch on my shoulder, and I let go of the phone and look up to see Dr. Puffy. "My mamma" I say. Dr. Puffy sits down in the chair, her hands folded. "He heard me fall on the floor and went to cheak on me." Dr. Puffy doesn't look surprised. "I'm glad your mamma saved you" she says. "Are you?" "No" the word rises up on its own, a lone air bubble from some drowning breath. It surprises me to see it there, flouting on the surface between Dr. Puffy and me. She nods as if she's glad to have an honest answer. "Tubbo, I'm going to recommend you stay here for a couple of weeks. If it's ok with you, I think it will be helpful. You can come to ate daily group therapy meetings. There are three attending at the moment. And it will be good for you to interact with the other. Atleast for the thought of you killing yourself due down." I want to tell her she's right, I will try again sooner or later. The minutes. Hours. Days. Months. Years. And every second of my life I will choke on till the only way to breath is to dye.
The group therapy meetings won't change that. She wont feel bad if that happens. I want to tell her this because I trust her. I want to spare her whatever it is when she fails. But I don't tell her any of this. I don't even know if I could find the words.
"Just think about whether you'd like to stay here. You can let me know tomorrow morning." Two weeks, two days, two minutes, it's all the same. Dream smp hospital or home, here, there---- doese it really matter?
Sooner or later I will kill myself.

{And that a rap up for this chapter}

I hope you guys are doing well, also tell me what you think of this. I will try my best to upload more part, if school work don't pile up.

I596 words.