blue lights || bokuaka

can't handle change

As it turns out, change was not very kind to Akaashi.

It left him in grey areas, confused him and led him on by a thin string that was so close to fraying. Change was more of a bully, rather than a guide, and while Akaashi knew Bokuto was changing, he didn't think he wouldn't take him along with him.

Akaashi should have known something was wrong from when they went to the pier. He should have known something was wrong in the way Bokuto stared at the water, in the way he never met his eyes after that night, in the way he didn't smile so much or laugh as loud in the days to follow.

Akaashi missed him when he was gone, and the next day, and the next.

He should have known something was wrong.

He feels strange, as he sits on his stool and listens to the silence of exactly zero customers browsing the displays tonight, staring at the polished wood as Kuroo's voice comes through the other line, his phone pressed to his ear.

"I know you're working, so it sucks that you can't be here." He tells him, and Akaashi is pensive as he hears the very faint and familiar screeching of tires, overlapping as the next set of racers prepare with burnouts. "But Kenma wanted to watch Bokuto race tonight. He doesn't seem to be into it."

Akaashi did not know about the race today. It wasn't even Friday.

Why didn't Bokuto tell him?

"Yeah..." He says, thinking he was just thinking about things way too much. "He told me he wasn't sure about keeping it up."

"Why do you think so?"

Akaashi shrugs, shaking his head once and the words taste bitter when they come up his throat, but he can't find it within himself to say them. He wants to tell him that it's because he wormed his way into Bokuto's life and is fucking everything up, and he didn't know what to do to fix it. He wants to tell him that his chest ached whenever he thought about the stars and the plushie on his bed.

He wants to tell him that it felt shitty to handle change in any instance.

"I dunno." Is what he says instead.

"He didn't tell you why?"

Akaashi blinks and he could practically see the expression on Kuroo's face on the other end. He knew he was keeping it.

He sighs. "He said it was because of the stress. He didn't want me to keep worrying about him, or that he might get into another accident."

"Ah. That makes sense."

"No, it doesn't. I don't want to be the reason why Bokuto stops doing something he loves."

"Akaashi. The risks of you getting arrested and losing your scholarship didn't magically go away now that you're okay with going to the races. And he could very well get into another wreck the next time he's on the road. When you care about someone, you're gonna want to protect—"

"I don't fucking need protecting." Akaashi's eyebrows come together and the other line is quiet for a moment, before Kuroo sighs.

"It's not just about you, Akaashi."

He was right, and Akaashi felt uncomfortable because he was trying to run from that truth, too. This wasn't about him, and he knew that, yet he allowed himself to somehow dodge it until he had to hear it from Kuroo.

Damn Kuroo.

"...I think he's right. He could race legally, that way there'd be no cops, and less chance for accidents. And you could still support him at races at the track or something. He's still doing what he likes, just in a different environment."