Vivid Dreams

What am I Even Doing?

- Marw's Point of View-

It's been so long that I even tried to write something but you know what if I don't that right now either I will go out and run my lungs out or I will go downstairs and will scream at that man who claims that he does everything because he 'loves' me so much...
I started to realize that he makes me feel like I should think about what is the real meaning of love is because I always thought that it must be something like this, whatever happens, whatever your partner does, you have to listen and accept their apology because if they say that they are trying to keep you away from friends because your friends are not so good for you, you believe your partner's words.... if he says that, he was so stressed because of work and he needed a quick fix, like sleeping with someone, he drank so much and that doesn't mean anything to him, then you believe your partner... when he just disappears and you just watch him with other women and can't do anything about it... because you think that. that person loves you so much that you cannot even understand the concept of the real love. So, keep your head up, turn back next to him, let him distract you with good sex, and let him tell you lies, this is what you will get at best anyway... He turns back to you, so loves you, you think.

The only thing that bothers me is that I have a real thin bond with my best best friend now... I moved away with my partner to another country, basically, my best friend and I separated but... I had to follow my gut and I couldn't lose the love of my life which I was into, I don't know... since 6-7 years maybe... And she also thought that he is good, he always turns back to me whatever happens.. but he kept me away from her and because of the distances that we have, because of the working life, social life, everything, I feel like we are not as close as we were before and that literally hurts me...

Me and my best friend, I'll call her Que, we know each other since 2009, we met in our high school, she is a year younger than me and we are almost the opposite of each other yet we are so same too, that's so weird. When I'm even texting with her. I don't need to say anything to her about how I feel because she would know already. She is literally my lucky star and every single day I feel thankful that I have her beside me.

Anyway... there is that thing, that reason why we couldn't feel that close with each other anymore and that is this band that she listens, of course I know them, I heard them when I was still living in my hometown with her in high school but you know, I was one of those rock addicted, emo, Tumblr girl so the K-POP band that she suddenly so into in was literally felt like, they don't worth my time I won't even try to listen because I know what I will hear and I do not want to listen that kind of things. First of all, I don't feel close to that K-POP world at all, secondly, everything looks extremely fake in this world to me and as a hopeless romantic, fate/destiny addicted, suffer enjoyer person, I do not have time and energy to put in them, I thought.
She kept sending me videos from them but I always acted like I checked the videos and added comments like; 
- " hahaha so cute!'
- 'looks really cool'
and so on. She knew that I was in a miserable place because I was in a country that I didn't speak the language of, that's why I couldn't find a job, I didn't have friends, I was not going out because my partner would create a scene if I'm out... so I was alone, at home, waiting for him to turn back home all the time... I mean I have to mention that, she was not so different than me, her partner was a party-holic person, he was finding all of the typical Insta girls to invite and no one knows what he would do with so many of them and of course, Que was aware of everything but she couldn't just leave... she thought she must fight for her love too as I felt for mine. So, we were apart, suffering from same kind of pain, missing each other's company constantly... 

I realized that she started to change after a point, she was sharing that BTS content so much, she was not texting back as much as she did before and we had that weird distance we could both feel it but can't name... It was annoying me so much, I was getting so angry about that because I know she was busy focusing on BTS and I didn't have any interest in this. 

One evening, she sent me something from them, she told me to check it out and I did my usual thing, didn't even look and acted like I did but she didn't stop talking about it and I got so angry for this because that was the only times that we could communicate now... 
I just wrote back that to her;

- 'I don't understand why are you so obsessed with them now'

She got furious. 
Seriously.
Maybe I never saw her like this, even from the texting I could fear her tension and after that, I told her that I feel like we are not as close as we were before and the reason is BTS because she cannot talk about them with me. She refused but I know she knew this was true... 

I shut my mouth about this.

However, one evening I was on Twitter and I saw she shared a picture of Jimin, which is her man, and she wrote the sentence grammatically wrong in English, I got pissed and I texted her like a big asshole, I wrote;

- 'This sentence is wrong, It should be " I fell in love"'

and I asked her who is this, then she was excited, she explained him a bit to me. I was still giving the bare minimum, I really didn't want to lose her, you know... 

There is one thing about me;
My memories are so mixed most of the time and my brain can hold extremely weird and unnecessary information for no reason and causes me to have really weird, funny, realistic, vivid dreams, some things that I see in my dreams happen in my life and I get so many Deja-vu feeling because of this. I gave you that information because this is how everything started for me, this is why I am here, this is why our bond is at its strongest right now with Que and this is why, for the first time in my life, I know what real love is...

PS: I would like to point out that the story that I am sharing here right now is 'mostly' what is going on by our real lives. I would be so happy If you can be so kind to us and don't call us 'delulu'
I wish I could control my dreams, feelings, and what is going on on that topic but I can't and it is hard for me to deal with sometimes. 
I hope you enjoy reading our story. 
This is my point of view, Querida will share her's in her profile, you can go and check for it: https://www.wattpad.com/user/moonandsunduo