Writing Project

November 5th-Welcome back

My therapist told me to write in my journal, that I haven't used for years. I explained how I don't know how to write in it, how I explain it like a book and how I make it no longer sound like me. I've gotten this a lot. I've even tried journaling again but I just end up doing the same thing or rambling on. However I want to try again. But this time make it a book.

After months and months of trying to figure everything out, reaching for anything that could help, therapy, medicine, friends, clubs, nothing was working. So I went back to the only thing that did. An unhealthy habit. That was the start of a downfall.

I feel stuck, I mean I am stuck. I have to fix myself esteem issues before I can deal with my trama but I can't deal with my self esteem till I can talk about my trama. I can't find anything to help me even though I have reached out to anyone I thought could help. All I know is how to survive. Some might say that makes you strong but I disagree. I believe it only makes you want it to be over more.

Words seem to be pointless to me, not that I don't appreciate people saying kind things to me but I just feel so unworthy of good things that I think or know they just want me to be okay.

Along with my what I thought were old bad habits, SH and ED. I've gone back to one more bad habit, faking. I know how badly people want to fix me but don't like it when it isn't working. So I've learned it's better to just fake a smile, and move on.

It's been a long time sense I have had a normal meal. I can barely even think of what that would be. Meals. That's the hardest to figure out. I miss not having to think about food before I eat.

I honestly don't really know why I'm writing this. Maybe to hear other people's stories similar to mine? Maybe to just get it out there? Maybe to be selfish and make it about me? Either way welcome to my long journey.