It is too cruel of me to say these words to you directly. But I wish I could hate you, fully.
I wish I wasn't too understanding. This deep empathy that I do not receive in return is a double edged sword that makes me bleed from time to time.
The older I get, the more I just grow disappointed in you. But at the same time, I pity you.
You are the way you are because of your rough past too.
But what about me? What about us? Are we simply just a collateral damage to further your self growth?
An accessory to a crime? Unimportant victims of your disaster? The only justice you seek is for yourself and nobody else.
I wish I could hate you, but oh god, I do understand you. Yet, you never seem to understand me back.
What have I done to receive such unjust treatment? It's not fair, I hate you, but I do understand you.
Picturing myself in your shoes, I promise you I try to sympathize with you.
But I still wish I could hate you — that way, I'll feel more at ease. It wouldn't hurt me to hurt you, it wouldn't sadden me to leave you.
I cannot forgive or forget, yet I still cannot fully hate you. The sins, will never be washed away.
You failed to protect me when it was your sole responsibility. You failed me over and over and yet I still ignored your every crime.
I guess you can call me a martyr of modern times.
Yet it feels like I am the only one left suffering in vain because I am too compassionate.
I understand why you're lacking. I understand why you weren't there for me. I understand your flaws and mistakes. I understand why you could say those things to me. I understand why you could so badly misunderstand me. I understand why you didn't care for me. I understand why you hurt me. I understand it all but -
I cannot understand why I can't just drop this empathy and hate you completely.
To be selfish, to be someone hateful, yet I still feel some guilt whenever I try to curse you.
To be just as cruel as you, and return the pain tenfold. How I long for that.
A revenge too sweet to even celebrate. I wonder if that kind of satisfying feeling would ever last.
All the good memories feel just like a hallucination now, like finding a needle in the haystack.
Questioning myself, were those days even real? It felt too good to be true.
The painful times outnumbered and outweighed the joyful ones, and that's incredibly sad.
Of course, my life isn't as bad as other people had. But it's enough to drive a person mad.
It has been nothing but suffocating, yet I don't have it in me to hate you fully.
I wonder sometimes if I am simply weak, or perhaps I am strong enough to still be good, or I'm just naive.
I wonder if you lay in bed at night and regret every mistake you've done and affected us.
Dwell over the fact that your misguidance has ruined it all and tore things apart.
How could you sleep so peacefully and live so obnoxiously? You victimize others yet you only see yourself as the victim.
Oh god, I hate you. But more than that, I hate myself for not fully hating you.
Why can't I throw away my heart?
Is it that complicated? It's not that hard to hate somebody who's done so much terrible things to you.
Though in hate ; you will find an incredible amount of heaviness that you will have to shoulder for as long as you carry it.
And I have lived with it for the rest of my life.
Like dragging around a huge boulder of negativity that I wish I could just throw at you, and leave it behind without ever looking back.
Let you sink by yourself and not give a damn. I wish I could hate you to the point I give no fucks.
Watch you get eaten by the wolves and not blink an eye, but I know deep down those are just lies.
As a child I am cursed to unconditionally love my parent no matter what, despite them not loving me back enough.
This isn't about you, by the way. This is about me wanting to hate you but I can't do it with all my heart, because a small part of me still loves you, and that's where all the bitterness starts.
— unsent love×hate letters 082421
