My Daily Thoughts

March 17, 2015

10:23
Do you ever feel like you have so much to say but you can't get it out?

I want to say so much. Too much. But I'm too scared to open my mouth. Let alone open my mouth and let words come out. I can't even say hello right without it sounding as if I'm speaking a second language.

I want confidence. But I don't have any. I want to be the skinny girl every one loves but they don't. Most of all I wanna be happy.

I think the thing that makes me even more sad is that I have no right to be sad. I didn't lose a parent. I didn't go through a something horrible. Nothing bad has happened to me.

I should be happy. Right? I should be laughing spending all of my youth smiling.

But the smiles I give, I don't realize but they're fake. I laugh and smile so much but most of the time it's just a habit. If somethings not funny. Ha! If someone just looks at me weird. I smile.

I wanna be the nice person people say I am. I like that. But they don't truly mean it. I'm probably one of the meanest people you could meet. Why waste such a good role on someone like me?

If I'm so nice why do I hate everybody? I try to be nice and love everybody but I can't. They are so rude and judge mental. Some one told me I have no life since I go to the soup kitchen to help out.

So what if I have no life? That's non of your business. And yes I do go to the soup kitchen but that means nothing. Going to it is my life. You adapt to it as every body else does for sports or what ever.

I wanna be loved. People say they love each other but no one actually does. It's just this chemical our body gives off but screw that. I want to feel like I have a purpose in this world. But I am nothing. I am a number in a place where numbers are infinite.  I could be 1 or 736273837. It doesn't make a difference. I'm still nothing.

10:40
My sister could tell I was upset a second ago and she asked what was up. I lied to her and said it was our dad.

God i wish I could say all of these things that I type. Why am I such a coward?

I just want to burst out into tears. I hate it! I hate feeling this way! I feel useless and I know I am! I wonder what the world would be like if I was gone. Then I remember everything would keep moving. Nothing ever stops.

I really do want to die. I want to kill myself but guess what. I'm too afraid to do any of it. I've never cut myself. I never done any of it. I'm too afraid to.

I thought about it. And thought. And thought. I wish I could. I wish. I wish. I wish. But I am too cowardly.

This is no reason I am here. There is no God to tell me to say stop thinking in the gutter. Only I can and the people around me. But they don't know and I am all alone in my thoughts getting wrapped around it.

God is not real. If he was he would have helped me by now. He would have made me feel better about myself. Done so many things that I prayed for over and over again. To be skinny. To be nice. To be healthy. To be pretty. To be wealthy. But it hasn't happened.

If God were real wouldn't he stop hurting these nice people? It makes no sense what so ever.

I'm over it though. It doesn't matter non of it does. And neither do I.
10:49