A Stranger In A Strange Land

Untitled Part 8

I wished someone would speak. Cough, hiccup, fart, something. Anything but this silence. To think I used to be okay with silences, and didn't find them awkward. Amazing how fast things changed.

Stephen was not surprised. He had suspected as much, but hearing me say it was hard on him. That's when I finally, truly realized that despite the front he put on of barely tolerating me and seeing me as a threat, he actually cared about me.

And I needed to stop crying in front of these White Knights before they forgot that they shouldn't try to hug me. Bucky had already tried to reach for me once while I was telling him and Stephen what I had confessed to Loki a couple nights ago. I had shrunk away from him. Letting everyone know my real name was one thing. Working on touch with Loki was one thing. I wasn't ready for anyone else to touch me, and the panic I had experienced when I felt Bucky's intent drove that home. Bucky was here because after everything I felt he had the right to hear it all as well.

"My God," Bucky breathed out.

"And you don't remember anything after you felt all of that?" Stephen asked.

"My memories from that time are full of holes and gaps, but after that...no, I don't remember anything until that angel woke me up." I still couldn't bring myself to say his name. "It was...it was like everything ceased to exist for a time."

Stephen exhaled hard. "You must have been catatonic. Or worse."

"Maybe. But if I try to focus on that time too much..." I took a deep breath.

"How is it that she's with us and not catatonic, or worse, now?" Bucky asked quietly.

"Because she's no longer human. That's the only reason. I'm sure that she suffered massive neurological damage as a result of not only that empathic onslaught but what her captors did to her as well. After she was changed, her new healing abilities took care of it. They may still be doing so for all we know."

"Why didn't I die during the time between that wave and when I was turned?" I wondered.

"No telling. Maybe your captors kept you alive, for what purpose we can only speculate. Maybe your will to live was too strong. Whatever the case may be, you're here now."

"Here and insane."

"You're not insane," Stephen replied. "Your mind was butchered; your instincts and sense of reality were warped to the point where you questioned everything. It really isn't surprising that you have your moments, but you are not insane. You were traumatized and you have very understandable reactions to stimuli that remind you of that trauma. Taking that into account in addition to the neurological damage, which as a neurosurgeon I can only begin to imagine...I would say you are actually doing rather well all things considered. And you are improving every day. You may never be fully recovered, but you are getting better."

He started to reach for my hands, which I had been wringing. I pulled them out of his reach while my heart raced. Nope, not ready.

"Few months ago, you would have tried to kill him for that. I'd say that's an improvement," Bucky pointed out.

We talked for another hour. As Bucky and I got ready to leave the Sanctum, I remarked "I don't want any pity."

"Good, because you're not getting any. Go home and rest, I can tell your arm is still hurting. We'll talk about resuming your lessons later," Stephen said as he escorted us out. Bucky held the passenger side door of the Rabbit open and I slid in.

He took his seat behind the wheel but didn't start the car yet. "Listen...thank you for including me in that."

"You said you wanted to be there when I was ready to talk. I was ready to talk." I looked James dead in the eye. "If you feel the need to tell Steve and Sam, I understand, but I'd rather you didn't. Like I told Stephen, I don't want pity."