Less

12:18 am

      Fingers mold to the shape of my stomach. Stretch marks, fat, the way my thighs look when i'm sitting down. 

i want to be envied. envied the way i envy other girls who's stomachs don't bulge and who's hips are wider than their waistline. wasteline. Throwing myself a pity party doesn't make it better but yet i write to people who i hope won't actually read this. 

do people get tired of being relied on? do people i rely on envy the people i don't. envy seems to play such a huge part in my life. envious of people who have the things i don't. what makes a pretty girl more deserving of being pretty?

this is worse than writing an essay. i want to sound poetic in case someone does actually read this but vulnerability isn't poetic. shouldn't there be at least one person who i feel wouldn't mind hearing racing thoughts?

12:37

would feeling nothing be better than feeling worthless? in the middle of feeling full, i wish i was empty. nothing is better than something. i wish i could take the parts of my body i dislike and discard them like landfill. why are we so mean to people who get lip fillers and implants? people who just want to feel more like the person they want to be. 

thin lips, big thighs. thin hair, big waist. too flat, not flat enough. 

 having someone love you makes you feel pretty. like a virus. then they get prettier and you aren't able to. 256 words of pathetic self-loathing. 

how do you feel prettier when the things you hate the most won't change. starving, crying, praying. food doesn't taste good when you don't deserve it. when you don't even deserve the shitty words you're writing. does he ever even think of me? when i say, "I'm not pretty" i wish he would tell me that i am rather than telling me i can lose weight to feel more confident. 

stress about work, stress about meeting face to face with people who you hate just for having what you want. pretty shoes, pretty hair. can't I be good at something? look good in something. 

if i die will they read this at my funeral? 

when people say you can't love someone unless you love yourself, they're lying. you made me love myself. seeing me through your eyes. you viewed me in a way i could never view myself. were you lying? being young doesn't make anyone any less capable of being in love, even if young people process it a little differently. you're my version of love but I'm just another girl.

did you love her, more? if you read this, I love you, more. 

Grammarly finds 35 things to underline in deep red, and it makes me want to draw them in my skin. is it normal to want to make yourself bleed? but would you still love me if my skin weren't porcelain? i know you wouldn't. the irony is that i hate blood, and i hate being in pain. 

if i could stand the thought of you hating me for it i would slice my thighs open. 

11:37 PM

you wanted to read my thoughts so I'm editing out the parts of this that could make you love me less. 

Am I even comfortable sharing this with the one person who's still around? 

It's always "if" and never "when." Too scared to hope that this time you might actually stay. what If you grow tired of me wanting you? when you said that you loved someone else and then came back to me when she left, it made me hurt a little. would you leave for her, if you could? are you proud of me the way you were proud of her?

I'm not as perfect as you think i am. when you see me and my body in real life will you still want me? when i laugh and when i smile and when i say "i love you" do you get butterflies the way i do? 

i don't know what else to write without sounding repetitive. I'm sorry