Beautiful little fools

Whys can be just as dangerous as ifs

Jade POV

Something about her being in my arms just felt right like she was always supposed to be there. Like the only reason my arms are attached are for her benefit. The heat from her body was soothing like soft golden light right before sunset. Lazy Sunday evening. All I wanted to do was soak in it.

"Jade"
"Yes"
"Are you safe now?" Every word sounded strained. She knew the answer. I guess she just wanted to be reassured.
"Yes" she backed up just enough so she could see my face without letting go. Drew's thumb traced around the healing cut. The lightness made my skin tingle in anticipation for the next time she'd touch me.

I just wonder if she might be in over her head with me. My fingers pressed against her bare back tucked away under her shirt. My brain started setting off alarms. I needed to feel more of her skin, body, clothes, everything against me. But I needed to go. I didn't need all this right now. I kissed her temple letting my lips linger a bit before leaving her.

Yet again I'm leaving her with no explanation. It's not that I don't want to talk to her or Vic, it's that I just can't. I physically can't my mouth refuses to make the words come out and even when I want to, something stupid and mean comes out. It's like a reflex. So I'd rather just shut my mouth before I say something psycho.

I went back to the party and filled my cup with whatever was there. So here's the thing about me and partying: I have absolutely no cruise control, one sip usually leads to a black out. I've always been like this so to me it's not scary but to some people like Drew it probably will be Vic doesn't like it but she hasn't had a reason to get on me because I'm supposed to be sober right now.

Oh wait she did get mad at me for something I just can't remember what for. Anyways that's why I hung out with the older crowd a lot. Besides taking anything in an arm's reach I used to be really sociable. I think that's why she always kept me around even though I was so young.

I mean I started smoking in elementary school, just cigarettes but still it's pretty young. Most of my friends did too and the neighborhood kids would steal them from our parents or grandparents and smoke in the alleys. Acting like we even knew how. Not until 6th grade did I learn you're actually supposed to inhale tobacco to feel anything.

She taught me how to. She babysat a lot of the kids. Me and Anthony always tried to act older. So when she came onto me I tried to act like I knew what I was doing. Flattering of course it made me feel cool picking me out of everyone. She let me do whatever I wanted and all the other kids had to stay inside. I could leave as I pleased. She'd lie for me or drive me places.

She'd tell me secrets. Talk to me about how one day we'd have our own house and I wouldn't have to listen to anyone. The only rules I'd have to live by were my own. Safe to say I had to pay for those pleasures. I just didn't know what it cost me till I got older. Looking back at it now makes me sick beyond belief. How unbelievably stupid I feel now I feel even more shame for having just the slightest tinge of nostalgia for the days that she was nice to me.

She was the only person who took me out of the city. We went on a lot of road trips up and down California devils canyon being my favorite for obvious reasons. I hate how much she makes me question myself. My morals get so grey when it comes to her not because I love her but because I have to rearrange my emotions and reprocess experiences with the understanding that someone who played such a big part in my life only played it for disgusting reasons.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

Yep yep I threw up in the sink.

"I can hold your hair back like the good ol days" I whipped around but I was alone in the kitchen. I swear I felt her behind me. I rinsed my mouth out with water and left the kitchen in search of some mouthwash.