My All and More

It's killing me. Every time I say I'm fine, when I'm really not. I look at my beautiful, angel of a girlfriend, Izzie, and it hurts.

It hurts because of all the times I've watched her eyes light up with her smile, seen her face beam with pure joy. It's been so long since I've seen a smile light up those eyes. It's been so long since we had good times.

When we first moved into this apartment, we spent most of our nights melting into each other in bed. Now we lay each night facing opposite directions, with a noticeable space between us.

She's not happy. The truth cuts me down to my soul, and I know it will hurt her too. It's just it will only hurt more if I keep holding on to this. I should leave, because she deserves better.

I have to give her space to breathe. I can't be the reason she's suffocating.

I turn to face her back, notice how she's holding herself, staring at the wall with a tired expression.

It's now or never. I will lose my courage if I don't do this now. "Izzie?" I say quietly. She pauses for a second, before she rolls over to look at me. Her eyes are guarded. Which cuts me down to my soul.

"I think we need to acknowledge what neither of us has been willing to say. It has been such a privilege to be by your side all these years. You taught me everything I know about love. You have the most beautiful soul I have ever encountered." I pause as my voice starts to break.

Izzie stares back at me, tears spilling silently into her cheeks. "I have to give you room to be you. I can't be the reason why you can't breathe. I need you to able breathe. Just know that I love you, and I always will. You're my all and more. My everything. But I think I should leave, you deserve so much better than this. You deserve the best out of life." I finish, feeling tears spilling down my face.

"Casey..." She says quietly. "Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me you're happy, and I'll stay." I say back. She starts to speak, before going to silent and lowering her head to stare at her lap.

I lean forward and kiss the top of her head, before I pack up my stuff and leave. She never looks up from her lap.

I hope she can breathe now, because she's going to be breathing for both of us now.

*6 months later*

I walk home after my shift at the bar, the cold wind whipping in my face. It's late, nearly three am.

I feel shocked as I approach the stoop of my apartment and see a familiar figure wrapped in a big winter coat, orange beanie sitting atop her head. She's shivering.

We've seen each other occasionally over the last six months, but it's been awhile. "Izzie?" I say incredulously. "Casey, hi." She says back looking nervous. "It's freezing, and late. Come inside before you get frostbite or mugged." I say shaking my head as I enter my pin code into the box by the door, opening the door to let her into the building once it unlocks. I lead her up the stairs and unlock my apartment, holding the door open for her.

As she pulls her hands out of her pockets I see that they are purple from the cold. "Jesus Iz, why didn't you wear gloves?" I say as I instinctively reach out to grab her hands to try to warm them between mine. Izzie stares at me as I do this, I should probably let go, but frankly I don't want to.

Izzie continues to stare at me, and I look back at her patiently. I know she'll talk when she's ready. After a long pause, Izzie takes a deep breath. "You know how, I've been thinking about what a hypocrite you are." She finally says, still staring in my eyes. I raise my eyebrow and wait for her to continue. "Remember when I broke up with you junior year? How you said it was condescending to break up with you because I thought it was best for you? " She says with a hint of hurt in her voice. I nod slowly. "Well newsflash, I can decide what's best for me too. You're what's best for me Casey." She says looking up at me with tears in her eyes.

I feel a pang of guilt and pull her into my arms. "I'm sorry Iz." I whisper as I kiss her hair. She turns her face up to mine, and I lean down to kiss her. As our lips meet I feel my heart settle, and I can finally breathe again. She's still my all and more. My everything. And she's back in my arms again. This time, I'm not letting her go.