Golden

An Open Letter

This is a letter I wrote one night when my headspace was not in the best area. I had been really depressed and wanted a release without self harm. I have not talked to Red since we broke up and I got my stuff from him.

My Letter to Red.
I used to wonder how life would be if you weren't toxic. If I wasn't suicidal. Maybe we would of worked out but I know we wouldn't of. In my mind you saw me as an easy target. Someone to break. I fought you at first. You didn't control me. I slowly lost. I was so interested in you that I thought it was love. You made me believe you had schizophrenia. Made me believe all your lies. How you did that I have no idea. I don't know what to believe out of you anymore. I remember vividly crying in the front seat of your dads truck telling you I wanted to kill myself. I remember staying up late to help you and to calm you down from wanting to die. I remember sitting in the bed of your truck during band camp. I remember the good and the bad. The days where you made me go home when I made you upset. I remember the days we spent playing video games. I remember our last conversation. I had to look you in the eyes. It's easier for me to turn my sadness into anger. Instead of being sad that I had to leave you and all our memories. I was mad that you made me that way. You acted as if I was at fault. Yes I left. Yes I laughed when you said you wanted to swallow a whole bottle of sleeping pills and never wake up. That doesn't work by the way. Yes I did something unforgivable but so did you. You took away my option to say no. I felt like I had to do everything for you. I hate looking people in the eyes yet I did when I told you I was done. I didn't go off to college for you. I filled your gas tank every paycheck. I supported you when you didn't want to work. I believed the lies of central, Purple, and that night in Florida. I made you breakfast during school so I knew you would eat. I spent all the time I could with you but it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough for you so you didn't treat me right. You never hit me or later your hands on me in a way other then love. I constantly put you above myself. I believed that we were good. I remember going camping in Florida. My first time going camping with anyone. Do you even remember what all we did. The late nights talking and driving. Do you remember letting me go to sleep in the back seat of your truck because I was exhausted. I remember the first time I went to your house. We turned the tv on and watched a pirates of the carabian movie and took a nap cuddled up. I don't want you back and part of me wishes to never see you again. I wish I could know what was the truth and what was a lie. Then there's the days I want to go back to Gold and Red. Go back to the family we had. The trust I put in you. I remember a lot of the bad and some of the good. I remember being at the park late at night listening to music and just talking. Those nights were good. I had a video of just us talking. You helped me realize I am Bi and a little. You never told me I had to be big. Never told me nows not the time. You treated me right on the good days. I remember going to your house almost every day after school. We sometimes wouldn't do anything and that's alright. I loved to play plants Vs zombies and the assassin creed game I think is the name. The one with Greek or Roman mythology in it. I don't see you at the park anymore. I go that way to see mom and her job. And I'm always looking to see if you are there. I think when I'm alone with myself I realize that I'm not angry with you. I don't hate to. I'm upset. When I'm around anyone else I'm mad and pissed. Anything bout you makes me mad. By Myself any thought of you sends me down. I guess that's why I'm writing this and it's locked. Only Pink has read this. I've wrote you letters upon letters but torn them up. One was sent to Cow and if he showed you I have no idea. This will probably stay on my phone. I listened to "I miss the misery" by Halestorm and it made me realize that's how I feel. You'd think after all this time I would of been healed but I'm not. The thought of you makes me mad and sad at the same time. It's annoying and confusing. I miss our friendship but not the relationship. I can't be friends with you again no matter how much I want to. Some days I'll think that if something happens to Green and I that I'll try to be friends again with you and the guys but I know that's just wishful thinking. I remember going camping and waking up to watch the sun rinse. We weren't healthy together Red.