The woman with a painted face

Broken inside

Taking his words into consideration bitches need to be broken. I didn't fight I didn't argue with him I actually believed what he said .because I couldn't ask anyone in my family if this was right or wrong. Because they didn't care what I did as long as the cops weren't coming to the house social workers weren't coming and everything was fine. I was doing good in school I was working but my life was a living hell and nobody knew. I kept it from my friends that I was getting beat by the man I thought loved me. My spirit was dying but the only time I wasn't getting beat was when I was pregnant. I thanked god but he already took one baby please don't let him take this one. But I must not have been praying loud enough because he took yet another one.

I became so depressed and I stopped looking like myself and he would get so mad and drink. And if I didn't get his beer or drugs quickly he would hit me. One day I wasn't moving fast enough because I was going through the miscarriage and my body was weak. He pushed me down the stairs I told everyone I just fell. I told them was fine I became good at lying especially when we took a trip to the hospital. I knew what to say and to keep my head down to be cautious with my words. Because I didn't want to get him in trouble nor did I want to lose him . I didn't need anyone looking at me like a victim it was my choice to stay. I made that decision when I kept going back I kept responding to his messages I kept answering his calls.

But why ,why me ? All I kept asking myself did I really deserve this that's the question I asked every day . I stopped hanging with my friends I didn't know how to look at them and keep lying to them it was breaking me. Because I knew I could trust them but I couldn't trust him if he found out that they knew. I don't know what he would do to me so I would lay next to him at night holding my breath. Hoping that one day he will just snap my neck ,while I'm sleep take me out of my misery. I was tired of being on this earth anyway coming from a family who never showed any interest in me. Never gave me the love that I needed as a child. So I was getting it from a grown man that I had no business being with. But who was going to stop me nobody,because no one cared . So I let him use his first his words I thought that this was the best that I could do .

So I sucked it up and I played my part I played my role ,I never look at another person I kept my head down I kept my mouth closed. Because I never wanted to lose him. Because I never thought that I could have anything better than him. I thought that this was the best that I could do and at the time that's all I knew.