Thoughts and poems

Chapter 1 ~ Disordered eating

You look amazing. Have you lost weight? Tell me what you did to become fit? All things that were asked and told to me after I had lost the stubborn weight of my childhood. To what I had answered...starvation. Those looks of envy and satisfaction quickly becoming pity and concern. Finally reaching my goal weight, and to what do I owe my success? 400 calories worth of food that my body had salvaged from what I had eaten days ago. The oh so infamous calories that had consumed my thoughts until my brain saw fit. The numbers on the scale that had me question my worth. These numbers deciding wether I was worthy enough to exist. These numbers becoming my life. Just 10 less pounds and you'll be worthy. Just 20 less pounds and you'll be pretty. Less and less until there is nothing left. Skin and bones, weak and brittle, all that I had romanticised in my brain, my motivation for starvation. Are you ok? You look sickly. You should eat more. Have you eaten today? All things the same people have told and asked of me. Once applauded for my efforts, now yelled at for my irresponsibility. This society never content with what just is. My body an experiment and example of exactly that. And my mental health a sacrifice for such. An alleged success story, turned a harsh lesson. An experiment, turned my life.