i can't sleep. i'm on my bed - lying on my back, with my eyes closed. as though i'm a corpse - so still and cold. so dead, just inside.
but i'm breathing, soundly. inhaling and exhaling, taking in the hint of bakhoor - which i don't particularly like the smell of - in my cold, dark room.
i remember my mom burning the fumes of wood, going from room to room until she reaches mine. looking at me, hopelessly. asking me whether i was willing to finally help my father with his job that i have no interest in. i shake my head, and she leaves.
tik-tok, tik-tok, tik-tok. my room is so quite, i can hear the clock's hands moving. no music ringing in my ears. no crappy show playing in the background. just me, at 12am lying on my bed, tired.
Why am i so tired?
i haven't done anything today. didn't clean my room, or complete the 100 missing assignments i have left, or even play with my furry, cat best friend. i'm scared & restless.
Why am i so scared?
i don't feel scared often. just during times like these i wonder about a lot of things. things that everyone wonders about. yet, i'm still so anxious.
i'm okay. i'm fine. everything will be alright. i keep telling myself, in my head. but it's not. it sounds so wrong and false.
now i'm thinking, fuck, i'm alone with my thoughts. i need a distraction, quick.
but i'm too tired to get up. to move. to breathe.
Why?
