The One With London

Chapter 1

"You know what? No. It's not over until someone says, 'I do.'"

"I do! I do! I do!" (Phoebe chases Rachel into the hall, but she doesn't stop.) "I do!" (Gives up). "Ugh, like I can really chase you. I'm carrying a litter."

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Rachel's mind was reeling as she furiously flipped to the same page in her magazine for the tenth time without having any idea what was even on the page. She needed to talk through her emotions with someone but unfortunately the man beside her on the plane had long since put on his headphones and gone to sleep. He didn't really seem to understand where she was coming from, nor was he even remotely interested in trying to understand it either.

I can't believe I'm really doing this! Rachel thought to herself. This isn't me! I don't normally do things like this! I'm barely even a 'foot of the bed' type of girl! But Rachel couldn't ignore the boldness she was feeling. If she didn't say something she was going to have to live with the what-if's forever. She bought a ticket. She was on a plane. She was going to tell Ross that she loved him.

If I don't do this I'll have to watch Ross and Emily be married, and be all happy, and have kids, and ugh, I think I'm gonna be sick. Rachel felt a wave of nausea come over her. She shook her head and snapped back to focus. That is exactly why I have to do this! He deserves to know how I feel! I mean, who wouldn't want to hear that someone loves them? Rachel paused mid-thought as it struck her differently. On his wedding day... to somebody else... wait, what the hell am I doing??

She wrestled with her thoughts back and forth some more as she glanced at the time on her watch. Only 3 and a half more hours. As she sat there she tried to pinpoint the exact moment she started to re-love Ross. Pheebs had helped her realize just yesterday that she was still in love with him. She was shocked to find out that her four closest friends talked about it all the time. How could it be so obvious to everyone but her? She put on her headphones and closed her eyes as the lyrics began to invade her thoughts.

Did you know
Could you tell you were the only one
That I ever loved?
Now everything's so wrong...

Then it struck her, like a ton of bricks. She didn't re-love Ross. She never stopped loving Ross! How had she never realized that before? Her mind drifted back through the past four years filled with moments between the two of them.

Finding out about his feelings for her.
When he got off the plane...with her.
Their incredible first kiss at the coffee house.
Finding the list.
Changing her mind after the prom video.
The night at the planetarium.
The Scarsdale fight followed by 'I love you' for the first time.
The jealousy.
And then... her.

Rachel's stomach dropped at the thought of her. She could never bring herself to say her name. She was the reason all of this happened. She was the reason they weren't together right now. She was the reason for her countless nights spent lying awake trying to understand why the one person she trusted more than anyone in the world would hurt her that much. But over the past year, without realizing it, her feelings had softened. The thought of her still stung like hell, but the rage and anger she felt had somehow transitioned to sadness, remorse, and...hopefulness? Ross was still the most caring and generous man she had ever known. The next thought she had scared her, but she welcomed it. After all, she had been repressing them for so long now, it was good to actually feel again. She couldn't explain it, but she felt this undeniable sense that he belonged to her...and she to him. Like maybe they were meant to be together. Ross used to say stuff like that to her, but it always made her fidget. She was more consumed with the present - just enjoying life in her 20's. Anyway, yeah, she kinda felt it now. Sure, he hurt her, but it just broke her heart, not her love for him. Maybe it was because besides being lovers, they had also been best friends. There was something she felt that could barely be explained - something so scary and wonderful and difficult. It was like a magnet was drawing her to him, no matter how hard she tried to resist it. And maybe she was crazy, but every once in a while she thought he felt it too. Ross and Rachel had always struggled with the words, especially in the past year. But when words failed, their eyes spoke volumes to each other.

Did you see me walking by, did it ever make you cry?
Now you're my favorite mistake

You're my favorite mistake

You're my favorite mistake...

Rachel furrowed her brow as she closed her eyes and shook her head side to side. "God..no, no, no", she said in a low groan. This elicited a perturbed eye from her ever-pleasant seat partner. Oops.

It only took a few seconds to become completely immersed in her thoughts again. This could potentially sabotage the most important day of his life! And why? Did she actually believe he would just say 'Yippee I love you too' and they'd run off into the sunset together?? Of course not. He's getting married. Married. Of course he has moved on. In the back of her mind she was beginning to prepare herself for rejection and returning back to NYC the same way she left...alone.

Either way, at least she'd know for sure.