Lonely, Lonely World Together

Letter of Sorrow

A man writing a letter to his sister after being put in jail about his reasons of living and his wishes for his children.
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Hey, Haven.

Pretty sure you're reading this after I'm dead but if you don't, I'm making sure I'm coming back and make sure I haunt the lives of those guards. I'm not even joking.

Look, nevertheless that you're reading this or not, I'm just going to put it in this stupid paper anyway nor am I 'trying to proof my innocence in a letter', like one of those movies we used to watch together as kids, because I know my wrongs. I know what I did was unforgiveable, it was unreasonable no matter what I did.

Before I start, I want to beg you to please take care of my girls. They cry like crazy when Jane died and they'll sure cry like that too even when their daddy's dead even though he's a heartless criminal who took a person's life. Please, just tell them, I love them. I love from the bottom of my heart and never once have I forgotten to stop loving them. Every day, I work like a madman just to a smile on their faces but I think exactly because I work like a madman that slowly my sanity is strip away from me.

It's when Smith started to opening his mouth and begin talking shit about our family became the final switch for my sanity. It sure as hell kill my common senses. You already know the amount of stress he put me through and the amount of work he gave me. Not my boss but sure act like one.

The last thing I remember is a bold point pen in my hand, covered in blood and the dude's dead body with his neck pierce through and some of my co-workers, look at me with complete shock and I swear, I feel like for a second, I felt the biggest grin is glued to my face. I don't know what I was feeling but it made me whole again. Like a deed has been done.

I didn't regret the fact that I killed that dude. He deserves it. People who talks and acts like they're gods should at least feel pain.

My god, a few sentences in and I'm already complaining. What the hell happened to me? Can't ask for another paper, they'll suspected me doing something suspicious.

Haven, look, I just want to tell you this before my death row; I love you too, alright? Even when I always tease you about the simplest thing ever or when we ran away from mom and eat at the closest KFC or when we build an imaginary tower and just start fight each other with an imaginary weapon, trying to make the smallest sounds possible with mom sleeping downstairs. I've always love you and I've always admired how someone like you are blood-related to someone like me.

You're the first one who I've ever care for and the only one who helped kept my sanity from falling apart when we were living with mom and I want to thank you for keeping me alive all these years.

I doubt that if you weren't there, next to me during our worse time, I would've slit mom's throat the same way as I would to Smith. Sometimes, I wish I could just take that chance to gap her mouth open and pull it apart but I know you wouldn't like that picture.

You know, sometimes, in the middle of the night when you were asleep, I would sneak into mom's bedroom and just stare at her in her sleep. Imagine what would happen if I suffocate her using the pillow and sometimes, I imagine buying sleeping pills and made her eat the whole bottle but I didn't do it because I thought about you and what would you thought of me and I'm scared that I'll never see you again.

Funny how I was so scared of being apart from you when I was the first one to ran away from home. I tried so many things to get us out of that house but at the end, I was only able to get only myself out using collage as my reason and I left you in that house, I'm sorry. I really am.

I had so many chances to get you but I didn't, I left in the dust and pray that things will go well with you then I made Jane, took her last name, made Victoria then Emily and pretend like everything's okay but it's not. Everything's not okay, you still inside the house and I'm sorry for not taking any real action. I'm a dead man now, I can't really expect a simple sorry to actually be forgiven. I just want to let you know how sorry I am and how that will be the only thing that I will ever regret doing in my lifetime.

When I got the acceptance letter, I had so many thoughts in my head. Whether to stay and protect you or go to college and leave you behind. I tried to hide from mom but she quickly finds out and beat me up then lock me up in the attic with the creepy dolls she used to collect. I snapped at that time and just packed my things and ran straight to collage, didn't even think twice.

There, I met Jane. She has the most beautiful heart I've ever seen. Sure, people say a lot about her face but I didn't care. She made me feel like I'm human again and I'm proud to call her mine. While people were busy getting drunk and high, she was the only one staying out of that and work hard to succeed in life. She was the only one who thinks with the right mindset like a proper human being.

If you ask me now, what kind of superpower would I want? Instead of Invincibility, I would want time travel because I could turn back time to when we were kids and tell you how thankful I am to have you and how precious you are to me and I would help you get out of that house together with me too then, maybe, we can still go to KFC and their most cheapest set and ate it together or maybe we can make a plan to put mom behind bars and turn it into a cool action psychology thriller.

Honestly, I wasn't much of a brother to you than you are of a sister to me. I was the one who supposed to be taking care of you, trying not to lose sight of you and make sure you didn't go on path that could be the end of you but instead it was the opposite, exactly opposite, it was you who cooked me meal every time of the day, make sure I was in top health and not killing my body.

Haven, please, be smart, educated yourself, be mindful to your surroundings. Use your education for a much better use, change the world with it. Knowledge IS power, Haven. Never forgot from where you came, never forget me. Be righteous for the things you know is right and have studied it properly. Live your life not by what people have designed your life to be but what you want your life to be. Make a change, Haven and no matter if I'm hell or heaven, even when I'm in my next life. I'll look over you. Make sure no bad monsters came your way.

If you feel trapped with the girls and don't know what to do with them and you felt more lost, just remember our promises; that time in KFC and our faces just filled with bruises, we promise to continue living and fight for freedom and live the best life possible.

Lastly, Haven. Please, on the girls' 18th birthday, give Victoria my watch and Emily my gloves. Those two things are my most precious treasure because they were from you and I want them to it. Show them that I am there even though I'm not.

Victoria is a very strict and time-consumed child. She's straight line and she does her job perfectly, a sharp edge but she's also someone who likes to take her time and perfected and straighten her work, kind of like her mom. Emily, unlike her sister, is a very messy person. She likes to throw things on the floor, made a mess then proceed to smile at you like nothing happened. In a way, she follows me.

Thanks, Haven. That's all from me. Again, I'm sorry and I love you.

Your dumbass of a brother,

Kevin.