Defender of Stars

The Prisoner of Azkaban

The initial exhilaration he had felt upon making his daring escape had dissipated and he was left with the feeling that had plagued him for the past twelve years: loneliness. Seeing Harry had taken about twenty years off of his life and it was as if he was setting off dung bombs in the gryffindor common room again with James at his side. The comfort in the familiarity of that messy black hair and those horn-rimmed glasses had been completely intoxicating and he had let himself believe for one hopeful moment that he was about to have a family again. Harry had of course been attempting to kill him at the time he was having those thoughts, but once again he was reminded of the way he and James used to wrestle in the dormitory, knocking over piles of books. It always annoyed Remus in a fond sort of way.   

Remus. 

Oh god, when Remus Lupin walked through that door Sirius truly did become his fifth year self again--completely overwhelmed by his feelings of affection for the absurdly tall werewolf. At fifteen he had been completely confused by the way his eyes always seemed drawn to Remus or the way he felt hot and flustered whenever Remus gave him on of his famously snide remarks. He had pushed these thoughts away, written them off as a sign of respect for the other boy. He spent hours convincing himself that it couldn't have been longing he was feeling for the werewolf and focused his energies on dating a fair handful of girls. 

Then Remus kissed him and everything changed. The fog had finally cleared and Sirius Black knew that Remus Lupin was the only one for him. He fought it for another year or so, but they pulled it together the summer before their seventh year and the times they shared were the happiest of Sirius' life. They bickered like an old married couple, but they loved each other so fiercely they never stayed mad for long. 

That was until they got caught up in the war and the desperation to win and the paranoia that plagued every member of the order. Sirius lost himself during all that fighting and as he did he also lost his trust in the only person who had never judged him or made assumptions about him just for being a Black. He let himself believe that Remus was the spy and as soon as he did  everything fell apart. He was left with nothing and nobody, cold and scared, just as he was now. 

Sirius had always loved flying, he was afterall a damn good beater, second only to Marlene Mckinnon, but flying on Buckbeak was quite the feat especially in his weakened state. Remus had scratched him badly across the chest and Buckbeak's feathers rubbed irritatingly against his stinging flesh. He had assumed that the wolf would immediately recognize his old playmate padfoot, but either it had been too long or the wolf was angry to see him back after so many years of separation for the wolf hadn't even hesitated in its attack. It was painful in a way that had nothing to do with his physical injuries. The moons had always been good memories for the marauders and Sirius had always been certain that his animagus form was most trusted by the wolf. The very first time he had seen Remus transform he had slipped up and told him he was beautiful, showing that unyielding affection that he tried so hard to suppress. All these years later Remus Lupin was still shockingly beautiful to him as both human and wolf.    

He wanted to get as far away from Fudge, and the dementors, and Snivellus as possible, but he couldn't take any more of the strain it took to stay seated so he directed Buckbeak down towards a mountain terrain. He felt a twang at his heart remembering the time Regulus had expressed his cave dwelling fantasies when they had been young and hopeful. It had been a long time since he had thought about his brother and yet the pain was as fresh now as it was when he had opened the paper to read the news of the death of the Black heir. Remus had been so kind when that had happened. Remus was always there we Sirius needed to hear those hard truths and yet was still an expert when it came to gentle comfort.   

Sirius and Buckbeak found themselves a cave that on first glance appeared cramped due to its narrow opening but within was actually wide enough to fit both of them comfortable. The stones were wet and slimy and it smelled of rot and grime, but what bothered Sirius most was the fact that Remus Lupin had been in his arms a few hours ago and once again he had let him slip away. 

Sirius cured up upon himself, desperately tired but unable to sleep. Too much had happened in that night and it felt as though he had been forced to relive the loss of his two best friends he had experienced twelve years earlier...three best friends. Whatever he had done, Peter Pettigrew had once been a marauder and Sirius had lost him again tonight too. 

With nothing to comfort himself except for flimsy memories--most of his memories having been lost or confused by his years of agony behind bars--Sirius found himself humming a song that he was overjoyed to find himself remembering and couldn't believe he had ever forgotten. 

You've got your mother in a whirl
She's not sure if you're a boy or a girl
Hey babe, your hair's alright
Hey babe, let's go out tonight
You like me, and I like it all
We like dancing and we look divine
You love bands when they're playing hard
You want more and you want it fast
They put you down, they say I'm wrong
You tacky thing, you put them onRebel rebel, you've torn your dress
Rebel rebel, your face is a mess
Rebel rebel, how could they know?
Hot tramp, I love you so!