Defender of Stars

Moony and Padfoot

Sirius woke the next morning feeling as if he had not slept at all. His wounds had not healed and now had a sickening greenish tint to them. He was ravenous and yet he knew that if he even had something to eat it would make him sick. He longed to be held and cared for, but he knew this would not happen. He was a fugitive and even he did not know his exact location. It was safest for him to be alone even if he hadn't been able to stop crying for the past hour. 

He wished he had not seen Remus at all. Being so close to him made the new separation all the more painful. He had gotten a taste of what he had missed most during his time at Azkaban and now he was alone again with no company, but the anxious thoughts running through his head. In the past twelve years not a day went by that Sirius didn't think about Remus. In the past twelve years Remus had thought Sirius a murderer and a traitor. In the past twelve years they had been a part and Remus would've had every reason to move on. 

Sirius had never given much thought to marriage mostly due to his family's barbaric and incestuous approach to it, but if asked who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with any time from age 11 to present he would've said James Potter and Remus Lupin--Remus winning a slight edge due to the added benefit of snogging. When Sirius thought of family he didn't think of The Noble House of Black, he thought of the marauders, and perfect Lily Evans, and vivacious Mary Mcdonald, and sneakily cheeky Marlene Mckinnon, and sometimes even Regulus Black in those times when he let himself believe that his brother had still had some good in him. Now most of his family was dead and the one who he longed for most likely no longer longed for him in the same way. At this point he didn't even need Remus' love; he would've gladly settled for friendship or even amicable conversation. 

He was reminded of one particularly bad moon that had happened during their sixth year in which Remus had practically torn himself to shreds despite having the marauders around. It had been a shock as it had been the only time since they became animagi that Remus had sustained serious physical injury. Peter and James had quickly run back to the castle as they usually did in order to evade Madame Pomfrey, but Sirius had refused to leave Remus' side. James, always brave and generous James, had left Sirius the cloak, leaving he and Peter vulnerable to a possible run in with Filch. Sirius felt responsible for Remus' poor shape as they'd had a blazing row the night before. 

At that point in sixth year Remus and Sirius were in a relationship of sorts, but Sirius was not quite ready to view it as such. He knew what he had with Remus felt better than it did with all the girls he went out with and he knew that what they were doing could hardly be called platonic and he knew that he loved Remus Lupin, but after years of torture in The Noble House of Black those truths seemed to be obscured by the mantra of toujours purs. So Sirius was left feeling guilty, but confused as to why exactly he was feeling so guilty. The one thing that he seemed to know for certain was that Remus needed to be held and Sirius needed to be the one doing the holding. 

Remus had opened his eyes for a brief moment looking exhausted and nervous, but still completely gorgeous. Sirius gave him a grin and pulled him closer to his chest, giving the top of his head a quick kiss. 

"I've got you Moony. It's ok, I've got you." 

He didn't let go until he heard Madame Pomfrey's footfall just outside the door of the shack and just barely pulled the cloak over himself in time. He doubted that Remus remembered that moment, but he would never forget it. He had been completely overcome by a desire to protect Remus from facing any harm ever again. All he ever wanted to do was be close to him as that seemed to be the only worthwhile pursuit in Sirius' life. Only a week later, Remus was breaking things off between them at his birthday party. Sirius tried desperately not to feel like he had been broken up with because he couldn't admit to himself that what they'd had had been anything more than two boys fooling around a bit and having some fun. And yet Sirius Black's heart was broken and all he could think about was how safe he felt when he was close to Remus--how himself he felt. 

Now he was the one exhausted and broken and Madame Pomfrey wasn't on her way to patch him up like she had so many times after a prank gone wrong. He was so desperate for Remus that he had even began to hallucinate his voice so vividly that it echoed through the cave. 

"Sirius," the imagined Remus called. 

"Moony," Sirius called back pathetically playing into his own fantasy. 

"Oh my god, Sirius," Remus exclaimed. 

The delusion had become so vivid that Sirius could practically feel Remus' hands on his body. Remus always smelled like chocolate and old parchment and the dog part of Sirius breathed in that scent. He felt a warmth surround his body and he supposed that must have been buckbeak moving closer towards him. He leaned happily into that warmth and for the first time in over a decade he felt truly at peace. 

He fell into a deep sleep, thanking his brain for its kindness in letting him have an imagined moment with his Moony.