Cupid's Twisted Love (A Short AroAce Story)

Look at Me

Trigger warning: ⚠️ non-verbal consent kiss ⚠️ and internalized-aphobia 

    They crept closer, leaving little space between us.
I sheepishly stole a glance back at them, but this time I was startled, finding their eyes hovering below my eyes..towards my lips?
"Can I kiss you?" They muttered, blushing slightly, while curling their hand past the locks of hair that framed their face.
"I- Uhm, what?"
     I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. Shit. How did it come to this? I can't stop myself from getting caught up in their aura.. They draw me in, with their sweet words and wonderful concoctions of creativity. The skills that they bear when it comes to the arts are nothing less than the beauty that their artist beholds. They've had a grasp on me for so long.. maybe if I take a step forward I can finally learn what it means to love..
     They inched closer, not hearing any declines, nor go-aheads. Suddenly, their lips slid into mine. I expected a warmth, gentle flow of tingling spreading throughout my body, and butterflies that flowed through stomach, like the movies make it sound, but any possible emotion was destitute, other than disgust. I thought I liked this person, but why did it feel so sickeningly revolting, the slimy grime upon my lips as they slid their tongue past the opening of my mouth, my body was aggravatingly desperate for an escape. They were suffocating, their taste spewing bullet shots through my lungs, my limbs having gone numb, and all I could do was stare. I stood there, frozen. I fawned over the reality that my body was no longer mine. I hovered over this image of someone I no longer knew. Is this me?
       Movement. I felt the sting upon my hand. Their eyes held an overwhelming capacity of emotion, but the first to reveal itself was shock. Fuck. Why did I do that? Why, when I imagine us kissing or cuddling it feels like a wonderful fantasy? I just don't know how to do anything right... I'm just made this way aren't I? Fantasy? Nightmare? No, this is reality. Something I wasn't ready for. If only I was normal.
      I ran, feeling the warm tears stream down my face. I couldn't bear to look behind me.  As I put more distance between us, I couldn't help but imagine the face of betrayal they held.. the mark I left on their cheek. Why can't I ever use my words?
    I regretted having eaten earlier, the lump in my throat and overwhelming pain, colliding with my nausea. I couldn't help but notice the graffitied bathroom stalls all around me.  I'm so tired of this hell hole. 
       They must hate me for what I did. At least I know they like me, but do I really want that? Why would they like me? Why? I was just going to let these feelings fade, even if it meant me hurting, them holding another's hand, and having to watch as they live in a world of their own. Never could I imagine they'd feel similarly. I could do anything for them, right? Except this. How would they respond knowing that me loving them, isn't quite what they'd expect? I'm already tired of whatever these feelings are, yet deep down I think it has been clear for quite some time that I am different.