All relationships are different

How had things ended up this way? How had all this pain and confusion come crashing down around me? Why did everything end up like this? Why why why why?

I clawed at my arms, unconsciously but wanting to feel something. Want to feel awake, want to feel real. Wanted control over one thing in my life.

"Stop that..you're hurting yourself" It was a sudden, command. Authoritative but with an underlying tinge of concern.

I said nothing. I didn't look up, I didn't want to acknowledge them. I didn't want to give into their commands. I didn't want to argue. I just wanted to hurt, and in return I wanted to hurt them as much as they had me. Dehumanize them just as they had myself. I burrowed my fingernails into my arms deeper, like a wild animal in a snare trying to gnaw itself free.

Tears built up at the corners of my eyes, I felt them, hot running down my cheeks. I was angry though, I was sad, I was a mixed onslaught of repressed confusion. A pained, angry whimper choked itself in my throat as I dug harder into myself, shifting a hand toward my throat and raking at my flesh.

" I said stop it!" My arm was snagged away in a forceful grip. A deathlike vice holding on and I began to struggle. "Stop stop stop IT"

My head turned upward and my hate filled gaze locked with a with those big, big blue eyes. A thin frown and furrowed brows veiled their face.

"What the hell are you doing to yourself? You can't do that? Why are you acting like this? We're almost free of this shit?"

A sudden gush of rage flared within me. I choked, I wanted to hit and hurt them. I wanted to break them. I wanted to die just to see them in pain. How the fuck could they not understand?

"YOU are why! You You You..Why have you done this to me?" Tears rolled down my face in frustration. I was stuck here and I felt so betrayed, so fucking hurt. How could I be so stupid? How could I not see things were happening when they were so obvious? Was I just oblivious because I wanted to be, I just wanted something to happen and to be happy in my life. Just something.

"I've done this because I love you, I already told you...I love you so much. I have loved you from the beginning and I'm here because of you. I've done everything I have done for you, for us. I'm giving it my all and I just want you to try to as well...because that's what relationships are even in hardship we both work to make it wor-" I cut him off in animalistic roar, tearing from my throat in a mix of sadness agony.

"Why couldn't you have just been normal? Done this normally? Things would have worked been, been fine life would have been fine, why the fuck did you have to be like" The words were strangled in my throat because it would never be fine now. Nothing was, nothing ever had been and that is what hurts the most in all of this. I'm so fucking stupid.

His expression at first looks absolutely vicious, eyes narrowed and a teeth bared upon his lip...and then melted into a deep sadness. Dejection and sorrow as his grip loosened.

"I-I just...I want to be...I want to be with you and make you happy. I want you to love me as much as I-fucking adore you.."

"You don't love me. You don't fucking love me. You're just some sick asshole..creepy asshole who has manipulated your way into my life! For what? To tell me you fucking love me when you just want me physically? You don't even know me well enough to love me, stalking or whatever you can't..I want to fucking die..I just want to die" My words are filled with emotion, they pool around the space of his van. Sharp, sharp little needles laced stabbing at the air around us.

I see tears forming in his eyes, he looks surprised and hurt. Like someone who has been utterly shit on and like..me. There was a pain in my chest, this had been the first time I had ever seen him like this. There had been that dejected look when just a little while ago he was calling himself a loser in the diner, but that was self deprecation. He was hurt now and I had caused that agony within. He wasn't a stable person, he was something molded by the world.