Rhythm & Bleu

"And I need you to know, you don't know what love is."

When I opened my eyes, I could tell that everyone else around me was drunk but I wasn't sure what my excuse was to waking up on the living room floor, surrounded by blankets like I was a kid again. The moment that my vision adjusted and I spotted Mama Cadence and Mama Codi cuddled up and sleep on the large recliner, Noel sleep next to me and my other three brothers, River, Marquisse and Nixon had managed to sneak into the living room sometime during the night and fell asleep at my parents' feet. Before I could fully wake up and process as to why Ivy wasn't laying there with us, I felt the familiar taste of bile sneaking up my throat and rushed to the bathroom before I threw up everywhere. I thought I was being quiet but eventually, I began to dry heave as my stomach was now empty. Unfortunately, this went on for a few more minutes and I cursed when I heard the front door close. I had managed to wake somebody up. Only a few seconds later, I heard a soft knock on the door.
"Rhythm, I brought you some water. If you sip it, you might feel better." Mama Cadence suggested, I couldn't open the door but managed to slide my body over enough to unlock it before having to rush back to the toilet. Mama Cadence walked into the room and sat with her legs crossed on the floor next to me, rubbing my back while I choked, praying for something else to come up so that my stomach would stop twisting. When I finally felt some relief, I took the glass of water from my mom and sipped it slowly, relishing in the feeling of the ice-cold water against my dry lips. "I sent Mama Codi to the store for some stuff to make you some tea. We'll get you feeling better, I promise you."
"I doubt it. The doctors said this is normal." I managed to say before sipping on some more water. After a few moments though, my stomach did manage to stop turning.
"Your doctor isn't me, Rhythm. You wouldn't have had to deal with this so long if you didn't keep your last seven months a secret." She shot back and I dropped my head in shame. There was really nothing I could say to that. At that moment though, Mama Cadence softened and leaned over to squeeze my knee reassuringly. "I'm not mad at you, Rhythm. None of us are, I promise you. But we're family and we figure things the fuck out. That's what we do. It hurts us that you thought you had to figure out an entire baby by yourself. Do you know how hard it is to raise a baby? There were days that I thought I was going to lose my mind and Mama Cori was there every step of the way. You wanted to do it all by yourself? And rob me the experience of spoiling and help raise my granddaughter?" Mama Cadence asked and I could tell by the way that her voice cracked, she was trying hard not to cry. Shaking her feelings away, she rubbed my back again before standing to her feet when she heard the front door open. "I'm going to make you some tea. Take your time but make sure you get ready soon. We've been asked to do a press conference today and we have to go to the funeral home. I can't picture my baby sitting in that morgue for too long by herself." Once she left, I took a couple more sips of water to make sure that I was okay and then stood up to brush my teeth and wash my face.
Walking up the stairs, I grabbed a towel and went to take a shower. Somehow, I fell asleep still in my clothes from that day and I still had blood on me, that I was sure would never come out now. I turned the water as hot as it would go and stood directly under the shower stream, scrubbing myself clean. The body wash mixed with dirt, tears and some blood went down the drain and I fell to my knees as I started to cry again.
I was proud of the way my family managed to keep it together. Despite the restless night that we had, and the fact that most of them stayed up way too late drinking, we appeared in front of the countless cameras and journalists, strong and determined. Mama Cadence was crying in Mama Codi's arms by the time that it started, but quickly pulled herself together, knowing she was about to go on camera. When we got the cue, my parents, my brothers and I all stepped forward, directly in line of the microphone that would amplify our broken voices so that everyone would be able to hear us.
"Yesterday, at 7:47 PM, as we prepared to take our eldest daughter to the airport, a vehicle rolled in front of our house and opened fire, killing our youngest daughter, Ivy Elaine Ross. Not only was Ivy loved by all of us, she was loved by everyone around her. She was known to have an infectious smile that would gravitate to anybody around her, even if you were having the worst day ever. She loved to make people laugh and was famous for her corny knock knock jokes." Mama Cadence's voice cracked and I held my hands together so tight that my knuckles began to turn white. "The ironic thing about it is that our Ivy, or ViVi as we called her, was also born at 7:47 PM. We're not sure why God only loaned her to us for eleven years, four months, two weeks and two days, we do know that as long as there is breath in our bodies, we will fight to make sure that nobody else in this city has to hold a dying child in their arms." My parents both looked at me and while I questioned while they wanted me to talk before Noel, I stepped forward anyways to put my mouth in front of the mic.
"I am Rhythm Ross and I am Ivy's big sister. Growing up, Ivy was like my shadow, because we were the only girls. If you saw me, you saw her unless we were at school and that was only because our moms said she couldn't come." I paused as the audience chuckled slightly at the bittersweet memory and looked into the crowd. It was hard to see anybody with all of the flashing lights and microphones thrown in our faces to try to catch every last word, but I was determined to make everyone in the room, and watching, feel my pain. "But I can't stand here like my mothers did, reminiscing about how Ivy used to be when she should still be here." Taking a breath to look directly into the cameras, I squinted my eyes to keep some of the glaring lights out. "My sister was a little girl. She wasn't apart of anything, and she shouldn't have been killed." Clearing my throat to make sure my voice wouldn't crack when it mattered most, I counted to ten in my head to keep my composure. All I wanted to do was fall to my knees and sob like a baby. "To whoever killed her, please turn yourself in. I know you have to be out there, tossing and turning. Can you sleep at night? Because I can't. All I see when I close my eyes is my baby sister, the girl that followed me around for basically all of her life, laying there while her body shakes and she's trying to breathe. Do you live around here? Are you a local? If you are, and you drive past our house, you'll probably still see Ivy's blood in our driveway. That's what we have left of her, punk ass bitches." Feeling my body being overtaken with anger, I stepped away from the cameras before I said what I wanted to say. My moms were clearly surprised by my language, and normally I would never cuss in front of them, but they excused it because of the circumstances. Wrapping her arms around my shoulder, Mama Codi kissed my forehead and I struggled not to cry. Whoever was in charge of the press conference must have seen all of us becoming unglued because they quickly wrapped it up. We were escorted off of the stage while whoever continued to ask questions. I couldn't hear anything that was going on aside from my heartbeat pounding in my eardrums like a drumline.
Once we were safely in the car, I stayed with my moms to go to the funeral home while Noel took the boys home, knowing that Nixon was almost due for a nap and probably wouldn't make it through looking caskets. "We shouldn't even have to be doing this." I thought to myself, shaking my head as I attempted to talk myself away from the invisible edge that I'd heard so many people talk about.
Since I'd woken up, I kept getting calls from a number I didn't know and it seemed to only intensify after the press conference. I assumed it was probably one of my distant relatives reaching out after hearing what happened, so I continued to decline the calls that came in while my parents and I made the hardest decisions any of us would ever have to make. But at the end of our appointment, we were all satisfied that Ivy was going to be sent off as a princess, the same way she came into the world and the same way she lived while she was on earth. After my parents paid the necessary fees to have her body sent to the funeral home and preparations made, we all walked out to the car. Since I'd text Noel when we were almost finished, he was already ready and waiting on us. I could tell that he had been crying but in that very moment, I was so selfish that I could only think about my own hurt. The funeral home wasn't far from our house and since we all needed to go back to get clothes, we headed there. But as we pulled in, I found my irritation growing when I saw that the same number was calling me again for the umpteenth time. I waited for my parents to go inside and then I answered, making sure the person on the other side of this phone felt every ounce of my rage.
"I'm sure you know who you're calling and I'm sure I know why you're calling. If I didn't answer the phone the first fucking thirty thousand times you called, why would you keep calling me? Who the fuck is this?" I cursed, loudly. The person on the other line was silent for awhile and I found myself even more irritated, as if that was even possible. "Hello? Now you have nothing to say? Who is this?" I checked the screen to make sure that they were still on the line but recognized the voice on the other line as soon as he began to speak up. I instantly rolled my eyes.
"Rhythm, it's Dhylan." I never mentioned him by name before because honestly, his name put a bad taste in my mouth. But Dhylan was my baby daddy, the man who had blocked me after I revealed to him that I was pregnant. Now, here he was, reaching out to me. I knew why though, and I wasn't interested in his pity. I remained quiet and soon enough, he began to talk. "I know you're mad at me ma, and you have every right, but can you just listen to me? Please?" I didn't feel like he was worthy of a response but after noticing that I hadn't hung up yet, Dhylan continued to talk. "Rhythm, I was scared... I know it's no excuse and I'm sorry but I didn't know what to do... What do you need? Are you and the baby okay? I saw you on the news." I could tell that he was genuinely concerned and probably didn't know what to say, and that caused me to slightly relax. "I know how much Ivy meant to you ma... I think a blind nigga could've seen that shit. I'm stuck, Rhythm. Honestly, ma. I don't know exactly what to tell you to solve this, but I'm here for you. I'm here for the baby, too. I'm ready to do whatever we gotta do." For some reason, I agreed with him until his last sentence and that set me off. I unleashed the last six seven months of frustration that I'd been holding on to, and I didn't feel bad at all. He deserved it.
"So you're ready, now? What about me, Dhylan? Do you think I was ready, or am ready to be a mom? I have no fucking idea what I'm doing but I didn't run away from my responsibility. I'm here and for however long my baby needs me, I'm going to be here for her. I promise you. I want to believe you. I swear, I do. But I can't allow inconsistency, not right now and not around my baby. One day, you want nothing to do with us. Now, you feel bad so you want to make it seem like you got us for whatever we need. I can't depend on you Dhylan, and I won't. As far as my baby goes, she's your daughter too and I won't be the mom that keeps you from her so you can see her, but right now, you've hurt me too much and just hearing your voice brings all that back. I don't want her to feel that. Goodbye." Hanging up, I sent out a deep sigh of relief before tucking my phone into my back pocket, making a mental note to not forget about it and sit on it later. I smelled a blunt and it didn't register until I turned around and saw Noel standing there, smoking. Fanning my face to make sure that no smoke came around me, my big brother took a few steps back to make sure I wasn't exposed, but his consideration wasn't what I was thinking about, at that moment. "Were you listening to my conversation? You know it's rude to eavesdrop, right?" One thing I could say about my brother is that he wasn't easily phased and ignored me as he laughed under his breath.
"Rhythm, take your ass in the house before you get a contact high. A nigga ain't thinking about you or your baby daddy drama, for real." I'll admit that I had no reason to project my anger over Dhylan onto Noel but my pregnancy emotions had me all over the place. However just as I thought I was about to say something, the smell of my brother's blunt caused me to rush to the bathroom and throw up the little bit of food that I managed to keep down earlier. I came out of the bathroom after rinsing my mouth and face and was about to go lay down when I heard Noel yelling outside. Looking outside, I saw him yelling at some men with cameras and rushed outside as fast as I could. My moms must've been in the house and heard him at the same time I did, because I heard their footsteps coming quickly behind me.
"Don't you people have some fucking respect?! You see me trying to rinse my sister's blood out of the driveway and you're taking pictures? Get the fuck away from my house!" he cursed, with tears streaming down his face. The police had attempted and successfully gotten rid of most of Ivy's blood but I could see by the crimson color soaked into Noel's hands that he was trying to finish up the job. Glancing at the men in our yard, I saw lanyards hanging around each of their necks and knew that they weren't regular people, just being creeps. I grabbed Noel by the wrist so that he wouldn't rush towards them and do something he'd regret and he looked at me enraged, but didn't fight me and came back to stand at my side. Mama Cadence and Mama Codi walked over to them and after a few moments, they respectfully and quietly left. Mama Cadence walked over to me and put her hands on my stomach. Right then, the baby decided to adjust and get comfortable again and I watched as my mom's eyes lit up. Her granddaughter already had her wrapped around her little unborn fingers.
"Why don't we get you some tea so you can relax, huh?" Tea sounded nice so I nodded and followed my mom into the house and sat on the couch while she warmed me up a cup. After a few sips, I relaxed and sat the cup onto the table, laying in the fetal position to put my head into my mom's lap. She began to play in my hair like she did when I was younger and refused to go to sleep.
"How are we going to get through this, mommy? This feels like a bad dream I won't wake away from." I felt Mama Cadence suck in a deep breath and could tell that she was trying to keep it together, for the sake of all of us. I instantly felt bad for asking her that question.
"I don't know, baby. I'm honestly trying to find that answer for myself, and all of us. But what I do know is that we will get through this, as a family. Because that's what family does... and because that's what Ivy would want." At that moment, Mama Cadence lost it and I felt her body shake. I turned myself and repositioned my body to where I could still lay down but I was now wrapping my arms around her.
"You're right, mommy. We will."