Kinbaku-bi

After School Conversations

After facing that embarrassment, I walk to my truck and place my things in the back seat. What the hell was I thinking? This woman probably thinks I'm a weirdo. I didn't even remember to ask her how she knew my name. This is why I stick to myself. I'm always awkward. Come on, Dee. Stop bashing yourself for being human. Having weird moments is okay. Everybody's strange in their own way.

I have a terrible habit of beating myself up over things that I can't control. I've had this issue since I was a child, and now I'm addressing it as a 39-year-old woman. Growing up in my household, my parents expected nothing less than perfection; 4.0 GPAs, perfect attendance, "speak like this, don't talk like those other kids.", "always show up early; time is of the essence.". Bringing anything home besides A's always resulted in being scolded and getting whoopings. Although I'd like to think that my parents were looking out for my best interest, it indirectly translated to every aspect of my life. The average person would think that it's a good thing to strive for perfection in everything you do, but I realized that perfection is relative and that sometimes good is good enough.

I try my hardest not to project my tendencies onto Prince. I don't want him to have the childhood that I had, always striving to seek validation and doing whatever he can to please everyone that demanded something from him. I learned his thresholds in everything. I know that he doesn't like to play sports like the other kids his age, so I don't force him. He enjoys bird watching, so I make sure to invest in books on different types of birds. I even got him a journal and a polaroid camera to document every bird he discovers. I know that math isn't his strongest subject in school. He usually earns B minuses on his report cards, with me tutoring him after school. I make sure not to get upset with him whenever he gets answers wrong. I bought a small whiteboard for the house so he can watch me work out problems, although I know that most of the time, everything I show him goes over his head. No-fault to him. Everyone's brain is wired differently, and that is okay. As long as he's giving his total effort, I will be satisfied.

As I pull into the school's parking lot, I notice Prince isn't in his usual spot that he waits for me to pick him up. I look at my watch; it is 3:46 pm. Should I be concerned? I am six minutes behind schedule because of the awkward conversation I had with the woman at work. Maybe he went back inside to wait for me. There is a bus in front of the main exit, so he probably can't see my truck; I'll pull up closer. There he is. He's talking with a group of his classmates, that's great. I'm glad he has friends. I honk my horn to get his attention. Although I'd love to watch him interact with his peers, I am now holding up traffic. He looks in my direction, but I'm not sure if he sees me, so I begin to wave. He then makes eye contact with me and says his goodbyes, and daps up his friends. He starts to do a light jog to my truck and opens the back door.

"Hey, mom."

"Hey Prince, what's going on? How was school today?'

"It was good. Today was 'A' day, so we had science, English, and music classes today."

"That's cool. Did you learn anything new or interesting today?"

"Nah, not really."

I chuckle to myself. I can relate to that statement completely. We come to a stoplight. I look at Prince in my rearview mirror. He's such an easygoing kid.

"I understand. Do you have any homework this evening?"

"No. Ms. Kidd just wanted us to look over our notes that we took in class today. I think she's going to give us a pop quiz tomorrow."

"Ah. Speaking of Ms. Kidd, we have parent-teacher conferences tomorrow evening. Did you know about them?"

"No, I didn't. Ms. Kidd didn't mention anything about it in class today."

"Hm. Maybe it slipped her mind. Either way, I'll be in attendance tomorrow evening."

"Okay. Will Momma Sabrina be there too?"

This is the question that I was hoping he wouldn't ask. The light turns green, and we begin to go through the intersection. I pause for a second to gather a response. Of course, I'm not going to tell him that Sabrina flaked on him once again. I'll come up with something on the fly.

"Sabrina won't be able to make it. She has to work late again tomorrow evening."

I take a glance back at Prince through my rearview mirror. I can begin to see his demeanor change from mellow to disappointed. He begins to gaze out of his window, the gaze where you're not focused on an object, but it's evident that something is on your mind. This is what I was afraid of with our divorce. She would become distant from Prince, and eventually, he'd begin to notice, and it will eat away at him. I have to say something. I don't want him thinking she doesn't want to see him.

"You remember when Sabrina would work late all the time when she lived with us? The hospital put her on the night shift again. It's only temporary, though. She will see you soon, okay? We'll tell her all about how well you're performing in school. She'll be happy to hear from you."

"Yeah."

He's not buying it. I felt his response in my core. I know he's bothered about her not being here. I have a feeling that things are going to get worse before they get better.

We pull into our driveway. I grab my things from the back seat and proceed to unlock the door. As soon as I open the door, Prince begins to dash upstairs and slam his bedroom door. I stand in the doorway and drop my backpack on the floor next to my feet. Inhale. Exhale. I can hear his footsteps upstairs, as well as his bed springs, accompanied with muffled sniffles. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.