Diary of A Washed-Up Wannabe Author

Too Much

  A lot of people, of course, have different definitions and boundaries as to what is, exactly, too much for them. We all have our own line, our own capacity for things we can handle before we begin bursting at the seams.

  I think I've sort of started to reach that capacity, if not pushing its limits, just a little.

  It started, I think, with quitting my most recent job. Or, maybe it started before that, I'm not really sure anymore. Everything has started blending together, merging into itself until one painful thing becomes the exact same as the other. I'm at the verge of tears pretty often lately.

  Living in America isn't the "dream" it used to be, if it ever was at all. And, of course, I have precious little to complain about, as my country is fortunate enough to have basic necessities available, to me, at least. It isn't like I myself am being hated on for my race or my religion or anything like that. Those are much bigger problems than just me. But, like I said, everyone has their own capacity for what is "too much".

  I had quit my job because I felt a misogynistic tone underlying everything my General Manager and coworkers said to me. I felt personally out of place and disrespected. I brought a small bit of that to my GM's attention, referring, of course, to only the staff. I was brushed over and told I wasn't trying hard enough, and when I tried harder, my staff started turning on me, acting like I was being "rude".

  I should've brought it up to the next higher-up, the District Manager, or at least found another job before I quit, but I'd been pushed to my limit, by other things I'm not mentioning because this is just a public diary.

  I did neither of those things and just.. quit.

  Now, almost three full months later, I'm having more trouble than ever finding any work, which befuddles me to no end. I've had a few jobs, which isn't always a great look, but I have so much experience in different fields of work, experience most companies demand of their potential employees.

  Unemployment benefits are an option I can't take advantage of, because I quit. I haven't been able to find many side jobs. I've sold a few of my possessions, and gotten precious little from it.

  I've had a few interviews that crashed and burned. I've missed a big car payment. We can't afford car insurance right now, and so we can't renew the inspection sticker for it. I've resorted to asking people for help, people closest to me, who won't help me because my promise to pay them back isn't enough for them.

  We're donating plasma tomorrow. I really hate needles. In fact, I'm petrified of them. But donating plasma pays.

  It was my boyfriend's idea.

  Speaking of him, we aren't having a great night, for the dumbest reason, and it's affecting me so greatly. I feel all these.. feelings bubbling up in my chest that I feel I can't express to him, or anyone really. Because my side of the story doesn't matter. My side of the story is invalidated.

  He won't even look at me.

  Right now, this moment, this stupid, about-nothing fight..

  It's just too much for me right now.