Hi Beautifuls Welcome To Breaking Void This Book May Be Sensitive To Some People If You Ever Need Someone To Talk To I Am Always Here Please Message Me If You Have Any Life Problems I Am Always Here For All Of You.!
Calla POV
Depression is when you sit alone with no company to keep you sane.
Anxiety The fear of an uncertain outcome.
Myself as Calla Rena Waters has been diagnosed with it since i was 10 years old.. but now that i think back thats when it all started.
The drugs,the fears,the sadness sunk in my skin and i realized this wasn't or isn't who i am but it stuck with me for another 7 years driving myself to the end of my mind and back suffering to break out of my skin that i somehow cant seem to grasp a hold of.. from time to time i go in the bathtub and hold myself under and scream letting all that pain fade away in just little screams and whimpers..
But does the pain really ever stop..? It doesn't seem like it at all, its a mental thing your brain stays focused on the one thing you try to forget and adds more pressure and that feeling suffocates you inside and out holding you back from reality.
Being so Anti social from the world has made me consider checking into a mental hospital for lack of contact and sanity, they say everything in this world is here for a purpose but me..no I'm just here to go crazy and you may ask..why is she so sad..? i don't even know...
Just one day your fine and the next not yourself your mind seems lost and different as if your whole physical mind is gone and just leaving you with memories that you try to forgot and it doesn't help always sitting alone just looking outside and not seeing anything different except the normal everyday routine...I do attend school but rarely, i have asked my mother multiple times to consider Home schooling or virtual school..
The people at my school are judge mental and rude they believe everyone in society has to be perfect when clearly not one of them is perfect thats all a cover up for trying to fit into the top of the social chain..
everyone has there flaws and imperfections whether it being from just having an ordinary pimple on your face or having issues with your body or mental issues, nobody in this judge mental world considers themselves perfect.
The reason is because no one is. Every single individual on this earth has flaws
finally realizing that all this world has to offer me is pain and pure sadness it sucks just knowing I'm not like the other girls who are considered "pretty or popular" I'm different then everyone nobody has pain like me or at least it feels that way.
It hurts inside my stomach all the time feeling like something will happen to me.. or at least someone that means something in my twisted world i always feel each day is a struggle to see the brightness in the day and just in every situation, it scares me thinking what will it be like if I'm always like this.. what if i never become happy? or worse... never be loved..
The thought gives me a pressure in my lungs and throat making it swell just thinking what if I'm always "That freak'' and no boy will ever kiss me like they mean it.. Or just take the time of day to get to know me.. my mind is filled with what if's and they worry my cause what if's are just as likely as 'What happened.'
Everywhere i go there is people hugging their lover within there possession making it seem like they will be there forever, kissing them like there lips are pure candy and they never wanna stop the taste, Hugging them till they are breathless and making each other smile like the world is never going to end..
They are happy.. which is something I'm jealous of.
I slowly shift my body out of bed trying to regain my thoughts after confirming I'm completely depressed.. and I'm slowly loosing every light that ever shine in me, I walked over to my mirror and looked at my reflection and sighed just like every time i see myself I'm never satisfied with myself, i never will me.
But there is always one thing that gives me that slightest smile is looking at the picture of me and my father when i was 8 years old i was smiling in his arms while he placed a kiss on my cheek he was the man i loved and he loved me..
But there was one day he never came home from work and it haunts me knowing i will never place another kiss on his cheek or hug him so tightly when a boy breaks my little heart.. he is no longer here but, in a better place.
I grab a hair tie and put my hair in a messing bun and grab the picture and hold it in my embrace, when i let go i bring the picture to my chapped lips and kiss it lightly and whisper "Always Daddy Always'' i let a tear drop slip out of my eye and trail across my cheek and place the picture back on my mirror and grab my head set.
Music has always seemed to be an escape from the world which makes things in my head better music makes me feel happy sometimes but not always, sometimes maybe worse but i love the beats and rhythms of music they make my insides feel good you could say.
I place a bud in my ear and plug it into my phone letting my music take over my right ear and grab a hoodie and some jeans and put them on and slip on some simple shoes and trail downstairs i grab my bag that was hooked on the door to the hallway closet and pass my brother, He stops dead in his tracks and just looks at me..
"Calla Are you alright? school started 25 minutes ago.." I looked at my phone and realized he was right "Y-yeah Ashton I'm fine just over slept i guess, why aren't you in school?'' he gave me a look when i said that knowing i was lying but he replied "I'm not feeling so well just be happy today..please." I nodded slowly but i knew that was a lie i could never be happy..
My brother does care for me no matter how much of an ass he is.. he does care there has been times when he is the only one i will talk to he is nice to me and always has been. He may be a rebel bad boy or whatever they are called but that doesn't mean he isn't the sweetest towards me.
As I get to the kitchen i grab an apple and walk out the front door, when i sit in the front seat of my small beat up car i put my hands and head on the wheel wishing i didn't have to actually go to school i close my eyes and repeat in my head "Everything is alright calla today is gonna be alright..''
But Maybe It Won't Be..
