The Absolutely Awful Podcast

Podcast #001: Opening with Slurs

You: "Hello and welcome to the Absolutely Awful podcast. Today we're joined by our co-host Brian, who desperately wants to talk about something he's been bugging me with for weeks."

Brian: "Yes! ... We're going to do a segment called "Which one of you guys is the biggest Spastic?""

You: "You might want to tone down your language, Brian. Some listeners might find that term offensive."

Brian: "Offensive? You're telling me what's offensive?"

[You sigh]

You: "This is a public broadcast so we have to conform to standards that protect people from harmful content. We might be the Absolutely Awful podcast but we aren't assholes, Brian."

Brian: "What do you mean, people might be offended?! This show is meant for teens and up!"

You: "And they are incapable of feeling any emotions at all? So you think all our adult and teen listeners are robots, that's probably 99% of our total demographic since children don't typically listen to podcasts, Brian."

Brian: "Well, no. I mean... I guess, yeah. I mean, I just think you're being overdone with the political correctness thing, that's all."

You: "Could we quickly move on?"

Brian: "Fine!"

[You move on to the episode, which thankfully doesn't have "Which one of you guys is the biggest Spastic" as its main segment.]

You: "We're going to discuss obsolete technology of the future. Think fax machines, but something that exists now and not 30 years ago. What do you think will be the most obsolete technology of the future, Brian?"

Brian: "Ah, yes. I have an answer for this one. It's going to be hoverboards."

You: "Hoverboards? Really?"

Brian: "No. It's actually going to be cryptocurrency."

You: "I didn't really consider that. I suppose cryptocurrency is a type of technology, so you're spot on, really."

Brian: "I'm detecting a slight 'but' in your tone. Is there a specific reason you're not jumping up and down to celebrate my correct answer?"

You: "Oh, it's just, well..."

[short pause]

You: "I have $300 in Dogecoin. Don't tell me I'm gonna lose all my money, Brian."

Brian: "Alright, alright, I get it. You don't really understand how it works. Didn't get rich myself when the market was at its peak."

You: "I completely understand how it works, Brian. You invest money in shitcoin, you buy when it's hyped, you sell when it dips. That's how crypto works, man."

Brian: "Yeah, but not only do you not make money if you buy at the peak, you also have to deal with the inherent dangers of buying something so volatile."

You: "I just said that, but in fewer words."

Brian: "Whatever. At least you didn't spend it all on hookers and blow."

[You go on to finish the discussion on hoverboards, which are currently still a thing.]

You: "Hoverboards are essentially toys that occasionally blow up when the lithium battery gets too hot, and also they don't hover at all. I don't consider them a technology at all."

Brian: "Fine, you Don't Consider Them A Technology. What about 3D printers? People are predicting they'll be as obsolete as fax machines and CD players within a few decades."