A Force of Magic [HP Jamione fanfic]

Chapter 20: Live your life

9th June 1999
10am
Potter Manor - Barnstone, Nottinghamshire

James was sat at the kitchen table cradling a mug of long cold coffee when Tonks entered the room, Teddy balanced happily on her hip. "You okay, James?" She asked, making her way over to the stove to start making some breakfast for herself and Teddy.

James made a non-committal noise, distracted. Tonks approached him, and put her hand gently on his shoulder, "James?"

James jumped, and looked up in surprise at Tonks, not having noticed she was there before. "Tonks. Hi. Sorry. I was-" He trailed off, not really knowing where to go with that sentence.

Tonks' shrewd eyes watched him for a moment, before she smiled, and plopped Teddy into his arms, "Watch Teddy for a moment, yeah?" She walked away to finish off breakfast before he could protest.

James looked down at the little boy in his arms, and blinked away tears when he grinned up at him and his hair shifted to the same messy black that both James and Harry's was. "God, he looks like Harry did." He whispered, gently running his fingers through Teddy's hair with a grin.

"He's a little tyke, but we love him anyway." Tonks chuckled as she sat down across from James, laughing when Teddy just contentedly settled into James' arms further.

"Well, who wouldn't." James chuckled, bouncing the small boy gently in his arms until he squealed in delight. He looked back down at the boy when Tonks' searching eyes met his.

"What's up?" She asked, ignoring his attempts to not have this conversation.

James sighed, and carried on bouncing Teddy, trying to avoid the boy grabbing his glasses straight off his face - which he was desperately trying to do. "I think I might be getting over Lily's death quicker than I want to." He confessed, tears springing to his eyes. He took a sip of his coffee, and grimaced when the cold liquid hit him. "I feel like I'm betraying her! It's not even been a year, you know? How can I-" He cut himself off, voice thick with tears. He pushed back from the table and stood, Teddy still in his arms. He paced back and forth in front of the fireplace, his blood rushing in his ears, bouncing Teddy a little too fast in his arms to be soothing.

He heard Tonks sigh, and then suddenly she was standing in front of him, her hair a much paler pink than the vibrant colour it had been when she'd stepped in the room earlier. She pulled him (and Teddy by extension) into a big hug, pulling his head down until it rested on her shoulder, and then running her fingers gently through his hair. "Stop blaming yourself. Stop feeling for something you can't control."

"But-"

"No. James, healing isn't linear, and grief isn't one-size fits all."

"Huh?"

"Muggle expression." Tonks said with a small chuckle. "The point is, that whatever you're feeling is what you're supposed to be feeling. It's what's right for you. Sometimes you'll feel the pain like it happened yesterday, and she'll feel like a giant hole that's missing from your life. Other times you may forget about her for a few days, and the pain from missing her will be ignorable. But, whatever you do feel, you're not wrong for feeling it."

"It's not even been a year though! How can I not miss her desperately every day?! It's not right."

Tonks pulled away for a moment, and took Teddy from James' arms, settling him in his high chair with a couple of toys to occupy him. Then she hugged James again, pulling him in even tighter comfortingly. "No, it's not right that she was gone so early. But, that's not your fault. You're still alive James, don't feel guilty for living." James couldn't hold back anymore, and started sobbing into Tonks' shoulder, her words a comforting balm, and razor sharp needles all mixed up together.