Giving up to quick?

I miss him. Like crazy. Growing up all i saw was people crying bc hes gonna. And now that there ok, im horiable. I cry always.i keep it in. I hold grudes bc i dont know how to handle my anger. Im so mad that hes not here. But its not gods or his fault. Its mine. I should have spent more time with his. Rather than be a stuburn little brat. And now im afraid that this is all gonna happen. I pray every night that we all are safe and healthy. But somethings are out of our control. And as a bunch of tears escape my eyes as i write this. I hate to be like this. I hope he doesnt see me crying like this. But i cant help it. Ive held it in so long. I cant anymore. My heart is broken. I'm a mess. I loved him so much, but did he know? Now i have to live with that forever. Im scared.