There's always a reason why was I was mean to you. Nits not like I passed my trauma experience to you, but. I don't think that you'll be ready to hear what I've been through, or maybe you do... but someone it just felt so empty like a vile waiting to be filled out. Sometimes you feel down about yourselves, and you swear about your past and cry to sleep.. normally, that's how I go through my past traumatized experience. Some people may think I'm joking, and some may not perhaps understand me. Why is it have to be me..? All over again. It's just entire eternity of suffering. I tried to get rid of my past by making friends, and yeah.. it did work out.. but only some tho.. and most of them left me on reading, ghosted me, and more... it's just like your living in hell-trial time all over and over again. Why is it like I have to go through it repeatedly until I felt such a corrupted piece by piece every time I tried to move on and have a decent day? Why can't it be me? People often give other people one chance. I didn't even get a chance on "Love," what is love anyway. Why is it that I have to fall for someone who already owned by someone, or they are don't want to be with me because of certain reasons? Sometimes the reason is accurate, but people never find out more about me. I wished to be loved once again. Just once. To get that energy vibration or absolute happiness. So divining, I'd say. If only the person fell for me and I fell for them, it'll work out; instead, I got dumped because they have a new person in their life. That is described as a better version of me... I guess. People never got to see my happy side, only the badass and saying mean things, and yeah. I tried giving people many chances, but I don't think it ever worked anymore. My trust, my gut comes in so accurately. Almost every time, I predicted the unpredictable. I have tried multiple times trying to overcome myself to be the "dream" person that they desire so much. But what do I get at the end? It's always dumped or be burned. Do you know? Burdened is what my life is about. You get in, and you get out however you desire. Nowadays, many pricks are playing with people's hearts and, yeah, a lot more. I've always wondered what if I show them my happy side of me? I mean, who wouldn't be right.. the smile on their faces makes me so happy even after I cried. There's nothing else to do in life unless you like adventurous things, and yeah. Anyway, back to my story, there's this one guy who I have crushed since I was in fourth grade. He was hot and had a nice personality. Like he was the perfect person in my world. I would dream like we had relationships. And I was getting close with him day by day by showing attention, food, and more. We were called "best friends," but they don't like to be called "lovers," even he agreed. I found out everyone got a crush on him when he was 12. He started to get close to someone. Everyday. He would ignore me, and we would have a total drama almost every day we met up at school. After that, we apologize and stuff. Shit, starting from here. He started to ignore me and giving me mixed signs after all. One day I thought it'd be nice if we watched a movie. A horror movie, pretty much I was so excited to talk to him about it. When I was going to the toilet, I saw him jerking with someone dude while happily smiling and laughing at me. I didn't know what to do so I ran away. Back to my classroom. When he got into the class, we acted as nothing happened. That's where we became so awkward, and girls/boys started to often talk to him and making fun of me. When that happens so often, I'd say I've been falling through a hard time, like hard. I have been not eating much, and I got depression and some deep shit. I tried to gather myself piece by piece, but I always fell for the wrong man and for the wrong time. Almost every time. Some say it's because we're the first generation where every kid gets a trophy just for showing up. Others think it's because social media allows us to post every time we fart or have a sandwich for all the world to see. But it seems that our one defining trait is a numbness to the world and indifference to suffering. I know I did anything I could not feel. Sex, drugs, booze. Just take away the pain. Take away, my mother and my asshole father. And the press, and all the boys I loved who wouldn't love me back. Hell, I was abused, and two days later, I was back in class like nothing happened. I mean, that must have hurt like hell, right? Most people never get over stuff like that, and I was, like, "Let's go for Jamba juice." I would give everything I have or will ever have to feel happy again. We think that pain is the worst feeling; it isn't.
