DIAMONDS IN THE TRENCHES

05 | dancing king, young and sweet



2 June 2018

EACH SATURDAY NIGHT, heaven and hell converged on earth, manifesting as fatalistic romance and illicit love affairs. Regardless of the season or the weather, there was always space for creating memories and losing control—which usually led to the kind of memories people wanted to get rid of later. Yet, in that moment, little did the future matter. In that moment, they were too drunk to think about the aftermath. Everything was justifiable in the name of having fun.

Downtown Toronto swarmed with teenagers and young adults talking, smoking joints, capturing the night in photographs, and reveling in the moment. The moon was high, much like the people that packed up the narrow alleyways and gave the word asphyxiation a whole new meaning. Five high school girls with sparkling outfits and contagious giggles crossed the road without checking if some car was coming, then laughed at the horn that rattled the road. I shook my head with disinterest, a mild dose of condemnation as well, and went back inside the bar.

No one was sitting at the table my friends and I had chosen for tonight, the one at the far-right side of the place. Scanning the place, it did not take me long to spot Stella and Christine mingling with two young men, probably a few years older than us. I should have seen it coming. It happened all the time. Christine and her social skills had earned her an infinitude of acquaintances, and lately, Stella had been something more than eager to benefit from our friend's easy-going disposition.

I could go with them, I knew that. But I did not want to. Instead, I walked all the way to the bar and ordered myself another glass of rosé. Besotted by the upbeat music and the neon lights, the feeling of loneliness that had been accompanying me for years finally seemed to slip away from my hands. I cherished the sweet emptiness, like I cherished every weekend I did not spend in my apartment completely alone. It scared me how easily I turned into the person I had always aspired to be the moment alcohol entered my body. People who faced problems with addiction did not seem as strange to me as they did when I was little. Vice was free for everyone.

Music poured across the dance floor, upbeat and loud. Many followed the rhythm and started swaying in the trap beat, smiles on their faces and cellphones in their hands to record the whole scene. It took me less than a few seconds to get lost in the evergreen motion and the effervescence of youth even though I knew that being here was wrong, that only the worst sinner would remain a reveler after the tragedies they had inflicted upon innocents. But it was also because I had already been crowned the worst sinner that I did not run away. There was nothing left for me to ruin anymore.

So I closed my eyes and danced with insolence, not a single thought flitting through my mind. When I opened my eyes again, Stella and Christine had come over to my side. And not alone. They had brought over with them their potential new flings, those two men they had been previously talking to. At the sight, I almost laughed. Imagine still having faith in men, I thought to myself and preceeded dancing with them like we had the place to ourselves. In my mind, it was just us. Five beating hearts forgetting the reasons they had been racing like manic drivers all day long. Tonight I was not the stellar opposite of Midas, turning gold into gore and felt a somber smile bloom on my lips because that was proof that people could change. That's why I continued flailing in the beat, blissfully ignoring that in reality I was not a reveler but a scorpion eating away at its own tail.

It did not matter. I continued dancing and dancing and dancing. Stella and Christine were laughing, sharing little jokes and comments with the two men. The hubbub of laughter and singing was intoxicating. At some point, I caught a glimpse of a tall man around my age dancing next to me. When the music slowed and the trap song shifted to a ballad, he stretched a hand to my side. I took it.