I̲N̲S̲I̲D̲E̲ O̲F̲ M̲E̲

C̲H̲A̲P̲T̲E̲R̲1:̲M̲Y̲ M̲I̲N̲D̲

"Prisoner 104 ,you are free "(guard). Free?I am free (narrator)." Here are some clothes ....get changed man... and wash up ...(guard while holding his nose).... you stink! ". I am free....I am free! How should I feel about it ?I just can' t understand .... " Good luck pal" ( a guard at the door) . Its opening .....the door of my freedom. I didn't realize back then (before going to jail) that world is so bright , spacious and full of life. Many things have changed: new flyovers, bridges , long L shaped and X shaped buildings....People are talking to themselves ! There is something in their ears ...perhaps new mobile phone. Dust(coughing) ....there is dust in the air (coughing) . Thirsty...I am thirsty. One thing hasn't changed in my town ....no toilets and no water facilities in public spaces. But there was a park once which had cold water tap...I wonder of its still there. Oh God... I am so thirsty ....Its still here (crying)....At least its still here (crying)...Why am I crying ? Am I so desperate to see something familiar...(crying and drinking water from tap)...Let's sit on the bench ...The playground feels familiar ....yet new and changed . There are new swings , see-saws and different kinds of rides about which I don't know .... Neighbourhood is also developed....New flats probably with new societies and families ....Family ....I also had one...Simple middle-class family..My parents were stage actors...My father was disabled....Kind of rude by nature but he loved me and my mother...I knew that...My mother ... She loved me a lot ....Though she abused me sometimes ....She was a loving person who always advised me not to hate or hurt anyone as humans especially adults have to go through a lot . Perhaps... she was indirectly asking me not to hate her. Though its only now that I clearly understand real meaning of her words. I again came somewhere absent-mindedly....Its some new bridge.....There is a man standing on one side of the bridge.

Women : " What about me I also loved you...I don't want to (crying)....Ok just hang-up (shouting and crying as she suddenly jumped into the river). What the....did she jumped into water to commit suicide ...just because of some stupid love. What a stupid reason! I don't know...I just want to get out of here ( there is a hassle all over as narrator ran out of the crowd).

This is how it happened back then in a spur of moment . My whole family ....my whole life drowned .... They(my parents ) used to fight occasionally .....On that omi̲nous day, I heard some noises coming from downstairs .....I thought they were fighting once again ....I tried to run away like I am doing now ...I ...I am tired .... (crying continuously ).I̲ a̲m̲

hungry ...I again want to get imprisoned....If not in jail then in myself ...I _"Hey man...What are you doing ? Why are you here by yourself ?..People have already come to give alms and food for free (a beggar with shabby and dirty clothes )...Why are you ...Wait I̲ haven't seen you a̲r̲o̲u̲n̲d̲ b̲e̲f̲o̲r̲e̲ ....Are you a beggar or not ? Anyway ... if you want to eat food come near the temple...Come quickly or all the food will be finished..." Narrator looking at him as if startled and surprised ...Looks like I again came to a strange place (narrator to himself as he is looking at beggars receiving alms) . Its a wide road with temple on one one side of the road and market in its vicinity .There is an auto-stand right opposite to the temple. I also got some food though it doesn't look good but I am hungry enough to ignore that fact...I remember how I used to pity beggars . I always used to wonder how they manage to survive...God must be laughing at me right now...There are different kinds of people who visit this temple; some look annoyed , some rich , some are forcing themselves to smile,some look happy , some sad...all representing different faces of an individual human being..."Hey you! I am talking to you...You ba--- why are you looking at my wife..." (Angry middle- aged man suddenly grabbing narrator's collar and beating him badly until he is knocked unconscious).

"Maaaan ! thank goodness that you are finally conscious . He has beaten you badly . Are you okay ?"(beggar) " Yeah , I have seen worse." Even on that day( when my life changed) , my mother had beaten me almost to death ; but she cried after that and asked for my forgiveness . I remember how she dressed my wounds while weeping. But actual misfortune began after that . My father called my mother and she went downstairs and then they probably started fighting..... "Dude are you even listening to what I am saying ?...We don't have enough money to treat your wounds . Here... take this painkiller ...Drink this hot water and sleep ...I have got some old blankets" (beggar).Several days have passed after the incident...Thank God ... I am feeling better now . My wounds are healing slowly... I am also getting along with the beggar . " Only if you are feeling better ....you can work with us . But now that I look at you ... I can say you haven't worked before...So you can pretend to be blind... Look ... your main targets are those who appear to have money ....Try to avoid those who are in bad mood...Remember !Young girls and women are easy targets....In case you need some rest , you can move to that place near the tree where vegetable vendor sells his vegetables (daily ) ...Women from nearby residences gather there to buy vegetables ....And you know....whenever women gather together , they mostly gossip about things ...So you can listen to those hilarious gossips....There is also an auto-stand where you can hear all sorts interesting things....It is right opposite to the temple....goodluck..." (beggar) ....I should probably sit near the auto-stand (narrator to himself as he is heading towards the stand) . " Have you heard about the case... where a child killed has his own parents ( one man standing near the stand) ...Looks like we are living in akhiri zamana (time near to doomsday)...Yeah... what a devil! I can't believe ....children like that even exist (another man)....
I....I didn't do it on purpose ....I swear (narrator in hysteria , running on the footpath aimlessly)...I swear ...on that day ...I tried to run but couldn't....When I heard my mother wailing and crying in pain I ran to help her...But I unfortunately saw him ....my lame father holding a knife which (seemingly) was covered in blood.....His shirt was soaked in red blood ..... I suddenly felt a surge of anger inside me ....Without realizing anything , I grabbed a knife and stabbed him directly in his back , at least two or three times...I remember how warm blood came out of his body like water coming out of broken earthen pot ...I remember the impact of his body and how it pulled mine ( body) as it fell on ground....After sometime , I heard my mother's loud terrified voice: " Why... Why did you stab him!Your own father! Why did you do it ...Why! She was terrified...confused ...just like me ...While I was trying to grasp what happened and pull myself together .....I realised that my mother is alive ....She didn't die ....I ran ....trying to reach somewhere faraway from the reality....In some other dimension where this reality won't be true...Where I wasn't a ruthless murderer who killed his own father..My mother ran after me...I knew that past can't be changed .... I remember how I tried to pacify myself by assuming that the person standing before me can't be my mother... As she was dead ....She must be a ghost ....A ghost covered in blood....I grew delusional ...I believed that she is a ghost ...I was just running and I grabbed the axe ....I killed her instantly without even giving it a second thought .....When I looked at her ...She was crying in pain as blood gushed out of her head where I had fixed the axe....Until she fell on the ground and turned cold.... There was a pool of blood surrounding her body .....I remember how I tried to cry but couldn't ....After sometime...people, police, barking dogs ....gathered around my house....I was arrested and interrogated.... During the interview someone told me that my parents were just rehearsing for their play... My mother (supposedly) slipped and cried in pain ....The blood which I saw before the incident was not real....But those were all suppositions ...They were also assuming things like me....I still believe that no one will know what actually happened .....I am not some crazy psycho who killed his parents for no reason ....I was just 15 back then ...I didn't kill them intentionally ...It was just an accident.... AFTER SOMETIME : Where am I ? Its a desolated cliff....Mother !...."Yes my child ....Its me ...I am here ...Come to me ( a woman in white dress appears before narrator)....What the hell!Where are you going maaaan!....Its a cliff ...Do you want to die (Beggar suddenly holds narrator in his arms as narrator is about to fall from the cliff...Beggar tries to pacify narrator who isn't responding)....
TOMMOROW:
I understand that you are feeling guilty.... but everyone needs a chance ...Try to forgive yourself (beggar talking to narrator in a soothing voice)..Yeah but not someone who has killed his parents and then pretends to be delusional...NARRATOR THINKING BY HIMSELF...