Bereaved

“One of the hardest tasks in life is letting go whether its love, guilt, loss
or betrayal. You fight to hold on and you fight to let go. Time may heal
the anguish of the wound, but the loss cannot be repaired”

I used to spend a tremendous part of my day with my grandfather who
would prattle on about anything with me without showing a morsel of
apathy. He would get a load of my inane ranting and raving about my
mum without absconding until I would put a stop to my hold forth. He
was one of the only destined individuals I could count on as a manna
from heaven when I came to my lowest. Our bond was like no other, I
spent the first 3 years of my childhood with my grandfather. He never
complained about how chaotic I was at times instead he loved me more
than my parents ever could. He was the ground to my glee.
And
euphoria is not everlasting, mine had to end at some point too, so it did

He passed away on 13 June 2021 due to covid 19… unthinkable
agony was all I felt

It was the night of 13 June, I handed back after saying a forever
goodbye to him at his funeral. I invaded into my room, ambled along to
reach the bed. I was too pale and cold to begin with. It all suddenly
went dark at first, I was too petrified, had a bewildered look on my face.
I couldn’t feel anything, all I remember is my numb and insensible self. I
wasn’t moving, wasn’t crying, crying was too far off I didn’t even discern
a tear falling down my face. But somewhere deep down my soul I knew
I mourned him. I knew I was sobbing like a child in search of him. In
search of his love, in search of the delicious meals he cooked me every
day, in search of his tight comforting hugs and his grin from ear to ear
that used to cheer me up. I needed him but I knew he was gone.
Gone forever.

Ah sorry, got carried away by the flash of his reminiscence. Back to the
night of 13 June

An air of melancholy surrounded me. I felt a shiver down my spine. It
felt like someone was there trying to convince me “your grandfather’s
soul is still here; you won’t see it but it’s here” I was very vogue about
this at first. But then I saw a glimpse of my grandfather for a split
second sitting in front of me on the knole sofa. I was certain I could feel
him, I could sense his presence, but couldn’t literally see him or hear
what he was speaking but I got the exact words it was trying to convey.

He proceeded with a mumbled voice “I know you will miss me I know
you will need me but remember this is life we all belong to Allah, and
we shall return. After all what’s life anyway? We’re born, we live a little
and we die. Our dead are never really dead until we’ve forgotten them,
which I know you won’t. those we love don’t go away, they walk beside
us every day, unseen, unheard, but always near still loved, still missed
and very dear”

I proceeded with a hoarse and cracked voice “no farewell words, no
time to say goodbye, you were gone before I knew It, and god knows
why. Your presence I miss, your memories I treasure, loving you always
forgetting you never”

I felt his tranquil gaze, before he evanesced, he finished off his words
with “where there’s life, death is inevitable”

His soul taught me what an actual anthropoid never could.

It’s hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember but
we understand death only after it has placed its hands on someone we
love. I cried endlessly when you died but I promise I won’t let the tears
mar the smiles that you’ve given me when you were alive.

                                                      -Fiza Zainab
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