Fear Runs Deep

The Voice

Warning! There will be many triggering things in this story. Some people think this stuff is not scary but to some, it most definitely is. It will have self-harm in it as well as suicidal ideations and even a suicide attempt. I based this on myself and my own past as well as some of my friends' pasts. Please do not read if you think it will trigger you. It is very detailed and I don't want to be the cause of someone else's self-harm or thoughts. Proceed with caution. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It's been a very rough day... Everything is just so difficult. I get bullied on a daily... Both online and to my face. I just want it to be over..." They thought. 

"Oh, I know you do. Take it. You know you want to." 

They looked down on their desk at the box of razor blades. They started to cry. They reached out, shaking the whole time. They grabbed it and brought it to the bathroom. They slowly opened the box. 

"Good. You know this is the only way to fix things. You know there is no way out. Let's do 20 this time. Oh, and let's make them deeper." 

"I hate this. I hate myself. Why is everything so fucking hard?!" Their thoughts kept repeating the same sentences until they made the first cut on their thigh. They kept cutting. Trying to get deeper with every cut. They stopped at 10. Blood trickled down their thigh. They felt light-headed so they sat down. 

"Come on. 10 more to do. Do them on your arm. Why not do them vertically this time? It'd be easier to accidentally cut too deep. You want to do that anyway though. You won't ever be enough for them. You're ugly and disgusting just like they all say. Being anything but the gender you're born as is--" 

"Shut up! Just shut up!" They grabbed their head and started hyperventilating. They gripped the razor blade tighter forcing it to dig into their fingers.

"I'll only be quiet if you cut vertically on your arm 10 times. Come on, you know you want to." 

"Fine! Just shut up!" They sliced their arm over and over again. They cut more than just the 10 times. Tears streamed down their face as they stopped cutting. 

"You've outdone yourself this time. I lost count after 17. Now... Stop the bleeding and get cleaned up. I'll leave you be for now."

They stopped crying. The tears just wouldn't come anymore. They looked at their blood-soaked arm. "Why should I stop...? I've made it this far... Why not just finish it...?" They cut again over the same cuts they had already made. 

"What do we have here? You're so desperate for it to end but you can't even kill yourself by cutting. It'd be easier if you take the pills you have in the cabinet. Make sure to take them all. You don't wanna fail." 

They looked up at the medicine cabinet. They pulled themself up off the floor. They could barely stand and were very light-headed. They opened the cabinet and pulled one of the little cups out and set it on the counter. They then grabbed all of their depression and anxiety meds out of the cabinet. They dumped some out into their hand and filled up the cup. They stopped. "What about mom and dad...? What about my little nephew...? What about my brother and sister...?" Where were they when I needed help?! Why don't they ask me how I am?! Why don't they care?!" They shoved the pills in their mouth and drank the water. They filled the cup with water and their hand with pills and continued until they were all gone. They sunk to the floor. Their stomach was already upset. "What did I do?? Oh no..." They pulled themself to the toilet as they proceeded to throw up. 

"You did well. There is no way they can save you now. Go ahead and throw up. It won't save you. There is no turning back. You're ending your pain like you wanted right? You're ending it all." 

Their insides burned as it felt like everything was being torn apart. They started crying again. They forced themself to throw up again and again trying to get the pills out. They fell to the floor as they were starting to choke and have trouble breathing. They started panicking more than they already were. This was it. They were dying with no one to save them. This was the end... They started blacking out when they heard someone running down the hall. 

They kept fading in and out of consciousness. They saw the ambulance and all of the equipment and then everything went dark. They couldn't see anything. They couldn't hear anything. It was just black. After what felt like an eternity, they heard a faint beeping. Then they started hearing the humming of other machines. They heard soft snoring and water running. They heard voices talking but couldn't make out what they were saying. They couldn't open their eyes. They heard someone crying. They couldn't feel anything. 

"There is brain activity. Your kid might just pull through." They assumed the doctor said that. They realized that they must be hooked up to who knows how many machines. They couldn't feel their throat or mouth but they were starting to feel sensation in their fingers, feet, and legs. They wanted to cry but they couldn't feel the tears. They wanted to yell but they couldn't make a noise. They wanted to see but they couldn't open their eyes. It felt like everything started spinning as they drifted off into a dream-filled sleep. 

"They can't say when they're going to wake up... I hope they wake up soon... The longer they are asleep the more of a chance that we'll lose them..." They heard their mom whisper talking to someone. 

"We will be able to remove the oxygen tubes soon but there is no predicting whether or not they'll recover." They assumed the doctor said it. They tried to open their eyes. The bright lights hurt but they managed to open them a little bit. Only then did they realize they had tubes and IVs as well as two different monitors. 

"I lived... I lived! Mom! Dad!" Tears started welling up once they saw their parents. They were both crying as well. They wanted to tell them how sorry they were but still couldn't speak because of the tubes. They were well on their way to recovery now. 

The end.