Spring Break || H.S ||

05- Anxious

Tw: anxiety, self harm, addiction

Reagan Heintzman

Let's talk about anxiety.

It's something we all feel from time to time or maybe all the time. You know how you get butterflies sometimes? That's anxiety. Some people like the feeling and others don't. I remember times when I was a kid where I felt particularly anxious. Once when I was first invited to Ayvees house. That was in fifth grade. We watched Ace Ventura and laughed at the dumbest things. But I was so nervous when I first walked in.

Now I'm older and everything's gotten worse. I'm sad and I feel like I can't face it. I pick at my nails till they bleed. Or I scream into my blankets till my throat burns. Or I take burning hot showers.  I can't not smoke. It doesn't work. I want to hurt on the outside to distract from the fact that I'm hurt on the inside. I have bandaids on every single finger on my cuticles.

I don't think it will stop. I want to breathe again.

I look at the cigarette between willows fingers a little longer.

I take it.

She hands me her lighter. I light it with it between my lips.

I inhale. Not used to the smoke I cough a little. It's embarrassing. She laughs. I exhale. It fills the whole hallway. This is bad.

I get up, giving her the cigarette back. "I'm sorry I can't." I spit out and run to my room. I slam the door behind me. Harry isn't here thank god. I cry. That's all I can think to do. I messed up. It's not willows fault it's mine and I know that. There's nobody to blame but me. I run to the bathroom and brush my teeth at least five times. Everything in me hurts.

Even though I've brushed my teeth it won't make the fact that I smoked disappear. I get in my bed. I scream into my pillow,crying. I'm so done I can't do any of this.

*
I wake up. What a weird thing to do when you feel this way. I have school. Thats a good distraction. I get up and get dressed. Sweatshirt, sweatpants and a beanie will do for today. I brush my teeth again. Tie my converse and walk out the door carrying my backpack on my shoulders with my phone in my hand.

I look up and see willow coming out of her dorm room. Her hair is brushed into a low ponytail. No makeup. She's wearing light blue jeans and a sweatshirt. She looks up at me. "My parents are visiting." She laughs. I laugh with her. "Will yours ever visit?"

Right...parents.

"I don't know my mom might but I don't think my dad will." I skip passed the part where my dad is dead.

"Well I hope she does. She must be nice like you." She smiles and walks down the hallway. I stand there still. When she's gone I make my way to class. When I get through the doors everyone turns to me. I haven't been here for a while. They probably thought I died or something.

"Look who decided to show up." The professor says, seemingly loud in the room. I say nothing. She points me to an empty seat in the front row. I take it. I hear people whisper behind me when I sit. Would they whisper if they know what I'm feeling? Probably.

*
When the lecture is over I head to the bathroom. I can't do school today. I can't do it ever. What would Harry say to me? He would probably look concerned and not say anything. He doesn't have a way with words.

My phone rings. I look at who's calling to see it's my mom. I answer it. "Hey." I breathe my voice cracks a bit.

"Why are you skipping your classes Reagan? You are failing everything." Her voice is angry. I make a fist. "I don't know." I wasn't lying I really don't know. "That's not good enough." She speaks. "I'm sorry."

"I'm so disappointed right now. You're putting money down the drain do you understand that? You can't stay in your dorm anymore I can't pay for it."

"I don't have anywhere else to stay." I plead.

"You can come home." She says her voice sounds caring all of a sudden. "I don't have the money for you to have a dorm room." I take a breath, a few tears fall down my cheeks and onto my sweatshirt.

"I can't-" the door opens and I see three girls walk in. "I've gotta go." I say quickly and hang up. I try to get out of there as fast as I can.

*

I end up in my dorm room packing a backpack full of clothes. I grab a phone charger.

"Hey I'm back-" Ayvee walks through the door. "What are you doing?" She asks. "Why are you crying?"

"I don't have money to live in a dorm, Av." I cry with my backpack on my shoulders. She stares at me for a second and then comes over quickly to hug me. "I'm so sorry." She says.

"It's okay I'll just need a place to stay for a while." I sniff.

"You can stay at Louis' here let me call him." She says pulling her phone out. I sit on the bed trying to wipe my tears with my sleeve. "Make sure Harry doesn't know. I want to tell him." I say. She nods. "Harry getting food so he's not even with Louis." I nod back.

She talks to Louis asking if I can move in with him. She asks if it's okay sharing the futon with me. She asks his more questions and I can't hear the answers on his side of the phone. She hangs up and looks at me.

"He said all of that is perfectly fine and you can move in tonight he's gonna pick you up now if that's okay." She says. I sigh in relief. "Thank you." I start crying again.

"Hey it's okay he's coming to pick you up." She hugs me again.

*
When Louis gets here it's raining. Ayvee says she's tired and is gonna stay in the dorm. She hugs me goodbye and I get in the car.

When I close the door Louis I'm looking at me with sorry eyes. And of course he says "I'm sorry.".

"It's okay Louis." I smile. He smiles too. "You wanna get pizza?" He asks, driving now down the street. "That's exactly what I need." I put my head on the window feeling calm.

It's nice to have a friend like Louis.

Authors note: sorry it took me so long I've been in school and stuff but I promise the next chapters are happier than this one.

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