The Heart is a Muscle

Chapter 38

I clean up immediately after Andrew leaves, doing the dishes and neatening up the living room. I pour myself a cup of herbal tea and grab a blanket and go and sit in the armchair which sits looking out the window. I sit and listen to the rain, watching the drops hit the glass.

The kiss with Andrew was nice. It felt nice. Is it too soon to kiss someone after losing Calum? Do I want to do it again? Do I want to do anything more, date or otherwise? Questions go around and around my head and I don't have anwers for any of them. I do know that I feel guilty however, guilty for kissing Andrew and for the fact that I enjoyed it.

I need to speak to someone. I reach out to check the time on my phone - its 10.30pm. Jenny would probably still be up.

The phone rings a couple of times before Jenny answers.

"Hey pal. What's up?"

"Do you have a couple of minutes to chat?"

"Sure." There is a lot of noise in the background "Hang on a second" the noise gets quieter, like she has walked away from it. "Isn't tonight your dinner with Andrew?"

"Yeah, thats actually why I am calling. He's not long left. "

"Ok. Is everything ok? Do you need me to come round?" I hear her shifting the phone about.

"No, no. I don't need that. Thank you though. I just needed your advice. Andrew kissed me. A proper kiss this time."

"And...?" Jenny drawls.

"And it was nice.  And it felt good. And I am confused about that. I feel..." my voice cracks as I start to cry. "I feel guilty."

"Aw Evie. Don't feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong. But its understandable that you will feel strange." I hear a door shut and noise in the background again. I hear a male voice ask Jenny if everything is ok. Jenny tells me to hang on and there is more muffled noises.

"I am coming around. I am just grabbing my jacket." she tells me.

"Honestly you don't need to" I sniffle.

"I may not need to but I want to and I think I should. Two secs..." again there is muffled noises, this time like she is covering the microphone. I hear her tell someone that she is going around to see me. I head the male voice say something again before Jenny answers them saying 'no, you don't need to come. I think its best I go alone'

"Sorry about that Evie. I am just leaving so I will be there in two minutes. "

She arrives a few minutes later, carrying a big umbrella under her arm.

"I am sorry Jenny, I didn't mean to interrupt your Saturday night." She pulls me in for a hug.

"Don't be silly, I was just at John's with my folks having dinner. We had long finished anyway". I realise the male voice must have been John.

She goes and makes us both a cup of tea before grabbing the blanket and spreading it across both our legs.

"Why do you think you feel guilty in a particular?" She sips on her tea, looking at me.

"I feel like I am cheating on Calum in someway."

She nods slowly. "I can understand that. But you're not. Thinking that is putting an unneccessary burden on yourself.  You need to realise that you have no reason to feel guilt, especially thinking that that guilt comes from something associated with cheating."

I sigh. I know she's right. I'm not cheating on Calum.

"What would Calum want you to do? Mourn his loss forever? Or want you to find someone new who will love you just as much as he did?"

"He wouldn't expect me to be sitting here, crying after kissing someone anyway." I start to blubber again.

"Well there you go then. See, I knew he must have been a smart guy to have been with you." I reach across and give her a hug.

"Thank you Jenny. What would I do without you?" She has been such a good friend this past year, I feel incredibly grateful to have her back in my life.

"You would probably have John and Elton awkwardly comforting you." She laughs. I wonder if she remembers what she said about John protecting me the other night when she was drunk.  I suspect not.

"You have been dealt a pretty shitty stack of cards Evie. But what you have done with that hand is amazing. You shouldn't feel guilty about moving on, ok?" I nod at her.

"So...how was the kiss though?" She raises her eyebrows and gives me a cheeky smile.

"It was nice. It was a nice kiss." I smile back at her.

"Nice?! That sounds boring. Surely you want a kiss to sweep you off your feet?" She tuts and rolls her eyes.

I laugh at her. "No actually, he was being very sweet and sensitive actually. He asked me to go with him to the party" I see her eyes light up, I quickly continue "But I said I couldn't think of it as a date. I am not ready for that."

She nods along. "That's fair enough. So what will you wear?" I groan, I can not be bothered thinking about fancy dress.

"I don't know. I will think of something. What about you?"

"Well Luke is coming up! And we are going to go as Wayne and Garth from Wayne's World as its the first movie we watched together." I can't help but laugh, imagining them dressed up. They will look great.

"Oh, I can help you with your outfit if you want?" Jenny gets excited at the prospect of dressing me up.

"Hmm. Ok. As long as its not too stupid" I worry I might become the third wheel in Wayne's World special.

My phone vibrates, indicating I have a message. I take a quick look at it. It's from John.

John: Hope everything is ok? Jenny rushed out of here saying she was coming to yours. Hope nothing bad has happened?

I quickly type a reply.

Me: Everything is ok thank you. Nothing to worry about.

John: Ok. If you are sure? Give me a shout if I can help with anything.

Jenny continues to witter on about outfits for me. Her monologue right now has her considering everything from a witch through to a character from the new disney film through to blow up horse outfit she saw in a fancy dress shop in Dundee 'Do you think Andrew would go as your ass?'

Me: Thanks. Maybe you can stop your sister getting too carried away with dressing me for the halloween party?

John: LOL. No chance there Breezy, once she has her teeth in there is no getting out of it.

Me: oh well..worth a try.

John: Glad to hear you are going to the party.  You better save me a dance.

Me: You will have to wait and see I guess. What are you dressing up as?

John: Batman. I thought about going as Bane, but I don't have Tom Hardy's muscles sadly.

Me: Deary me. Must try harder Johnny.

John: I know :(

Jenny suddenly realises I am not paying too much attention to her. She whacks arm. "Oi, I am just talking to myself here amn't I? Who are you texting, Andrew?

"Hmmm." I quickly text good night to John and put my phone down.

"Aww, that's sweet." 

I smile and quickly sip my now cold tea.

****

Song Recommendation

House on Fire - Fort Atlantic