7.1.2000
my therapist told me to write a diary but i cant seem to understand why.
i remember the first time i went to someone asking for help, evrything seemd to be ok insted those thoughts the thoughts i couldnt get out of my head.
i kept thinking about death what will happen when im going to die and i couldnt wait, who am i going to meet, what am i going to see.
i knew its not normal to feel like you couldnt wait to die.
i remember those thoughts started when my best friend cutted herself and i saw her hands i saw every little scar that didnt heald yet and thats when it started.
did she want to die? why isnt she killing herself then?
i remember trying to help, all of our friend group sat together, she took the thing she were going to cut with, thinking we didnt saw.
i remember running after her as she runs away and behind me i heard people laughing.
why would they laugh our friend she is trying to harm herself, then it hit me. they were laughing at me. the way i run made them laugh.
im not going to lie i am insecure about myself, well thats how you feel when you hate yourself.
when they laughed i did too, i was so emberresed and i didnt understood why?, i tried to help why are you laughing?
heres something i relised, NO ONE CARES.
no one actually care about you. of you killing yourself then sure they care but not for pure reasons, people are selfish they would care when you kill yourself because they knew you, maybe its because of them or maybe if you wouldnt kill yourself then you and them would have more fun memories because if you wouldnt kill yourself they wouldnt care.
when i relised that i became inhuman, i lost a part of myself i didnt knew i had. i stoped caring completly, i stoped loving.
i was watching from the side as people living and at first it was interesting but humans, eventually they all think the same and do the same.
i stoped watching them, i stoped analayzing every move they do and started having fun, it sounds weird but i relised im going to die and i dont want my life to move by as i am trying to be the perfect human.
thats all for today, thats what i understood.
