The United States of Depression

Dancing with Death

I am a very pro-death person. 

That doesn't mean that I fantasize about killing myself or watch snuff-films on the dark web. On the contrary, I actually very much love life. I love life... I love life... It feels weird since I am sitting here mouthing the words. "I LOVE LIFE." 

The problem is: You get LIFE and you get SURVIVAL. And I have been in survival mode for almost three years now. Next week it will be three years. No life anymore. No impulsive things. Just trying to fucking survive and wake up tomorrow morning, accumulating more dogs so that I have more reasons to wake up tomorrow morning. And that's about it. That and dancing with Death all the bloody time. 

Sure, I am doing better now than what I did a year ago, but let's be honest... That's the little yellow pills that I swallow every night to make me a little more zombie-like and just tired enough not to do anything stupid, and to keep my brain thinking logical. It's a good thing at this point. 

And today I feel like I am rambling. The pills make me ramble sometimes. It's like I can't get my thoughts straight. And the guilt... The fucking guilt... I feel so much guilt, but I also cannot at this point go without the pills. I tried to stop using them a while back, and it wasn't good. 

If anyone reading this suffers from depression they might understand what I mean when I say that I can't fully explain in words how it is to have depression. It's the wanting to go to sleep at night, to just make the day end, but at the same time not being able to fall asleep - rather than sleeping the triggers of the day moves in. Sometimes you cry. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes you wonder if death would be better and you truly contemplate it, but at the same time you don't want to die. You want to believe things can get better. Depression is that moment when you laugh at a cat video, or your dog doing something stupid, or maybe even when you are really proud of your kid. But then you realize that you have felt happiness before and this laugh isn't quite it. And it doesn't last. It just makes you realize what you are missing and what you don't have in your life anymore. It's the constant mood-swings where any little thing (no matter how much you try to avoid triggers) can just spin you into a memory or thought that you cannot shake, no matter how hard you try. And it makes you cry, or makes you frustrated. But most of all - everything makes you tired. It makes you want to sit on your ass and do nothing at all. And then comes the guilt I was talking about. 

I've been sitting watching a series for the past few hours. Not because I can afford to take the day off, or that I have nothing to do. I have so bloody much to do. I need to finish the laundry, and make some home baked pies and cookies since my kid is going on holiday for two weeks and I want to spoil him. I need to write and finish some unfinished works on here, but I can't seem to keep my head straight and actually keep with the characters while writing them. I need to mop the floors. I need to answer my emails. (Some of those emails are actually damn important to answer.) I need to reach out to some friends, even just sending a message, since I haven't spoken to anyone in more than a week, and I can see the messages piling up, but I don't have the fucking energy to want to pick up my phone and do anything else than scroll through Instagram. And I feel damn guilty for not doing any of those things, but I just can't. Well... I can, but I can't. It might not make sense, but that's how I feel. Physically I can, but emotionally it feels like way to big a responsibility to send a message or post a chapter on Wattpad, and then have to actually reply if I get a comment or a reply on my messages. 

This week has been worse than usual I think. I have been crying a lot. Certain songs that has never bothered me pushes me over the edge. Britney Spears getting engaged made me cry for fuck sakes! It's ridiculous. I cried because I burnt some muffins! And maybe the body remembers dates. I've been thinking about that. Maybe it is because my kid is going away for two weeks and it is the longest he has ever been away from home without me next to him, but he needs to also experience that on his own. Maybe it is because a death anniversary is coming up that really gets to me this year for some reason. I don't know. I just don't know. 

So my question... How and when am I getting rid of the depression? When will I stop thinking about death constantly, getting my will ready, thinking about it the whole time, when in actual fact I want to live? When can I actually just get the fucking handle on what depression is? And more importantly, is there a way to get it to not sneak up on me from behind?

I already don't have friends. That's because I will be able to chat and talk, and be best of friends, and it might go like that for days, weeks, or even months. And then, all of a sudden I will ghost everyone, because everything seems too much for me to handle, like the responsibility it too great. I will be making a friend here on Wattpad, wanting to chat with them day and night and then all of a sudden I just won't anymore. And it becomes too much at times for me to handle. Because at the end I just never make contact again because I feel too guilty for ghosting the person for too long. 

The weirdest thing is... I can't tell you where the depression comes from. It's not like I don't actually have a wonderful life, because I do. I have more than what most people can dream to have. I have five wonderful puppies. Yes, five of them. And I love them so much and they give so much love. And I have someone special, and my kid. I am not in an abusive relationship. I live in a beautiful, huge house, at the top of a hill/mountain, with gardens that look like a tropical rain forest. I have everything materialistically that I could ever need. My jewelry could possibly rival those of most women, apart from the Queen of England, though I might hopefully get there in time as well. I don't have to always work, even though I do load as much work as I can handle on my shoulders. At least I don't have to work for a boss. I am the boss. And these are the things that make me wonder. There are millions of people out there with worse lives than what I have, and yet I struggle with depression. And that has made me got to a conclusion...

Maybe depression isn't just because of your situation or trauma. Maybe it is more like diabetes. You get it, and you are stuck with it, no matter what you do. I refuse to believe that the traumas of my past is still ruling my life in the form of depression. I have done everything right, I have sorted through all the old stuff. I have worked on myself. I am the best version of myself. Sure, I have some regrets, who doesn't? But I don't think that's it. Some things have happened in the past few years... Family passing away... Being cheated on... Things like that. But I still don't think it is that. Everything tells me that I should be happy, and that I think is what causes the most guilt. And I feel so damn bad. I want to be happy, I just don't know how to get rid of this dark pool inside my head that doesn't seem to stop. And I feel like I am the only person in the world that feels like this. And nobody gets it because I always look kinda okay, no matter what. When I do leave the house I put on the mask and smile, and make conversation, but nobody knows what is happening inside. 

I should end this now. I have rambled too much. I can hardly keep my thoughts straight. And I have floors I need to wash and laundry that has to be hanged. And I need to pack my son's bags as soon as possible, so that it can be done. I have things to do. I am just wondering when I will be able to get up one morning and actually do it without having to force myself to live. When in heavens will I not be just another corpse trying to zombie it through life.

Fuck depression. I will one day get to control you. Maybe not today, because I still don't quite understand where you come from, but when I do I will be kicking your ass.

And now I am signing off.

Bye all...

PS: Please tell me I'm not the only one in the world...