The Regrets Of You

Untitled Part 1

Music. It's what makes me happy. It's  alot like you. I can count on you to distract me, to always care about me even if you don't outwardly show it. Just a quick glance would make me smile, or a uniquely "you" text...something that other people would think was written by a middle age woman. These things still make me smile. You are still there for me. But it's not the same.

Back to music. We were close before then and started singing together. Practising for a concert I remember just you and I in that room...and a guitar filling the silence between us. It was so intense, I found it hard to look at you for too long ; you would distract me. I would fall into your eyes. My heart would beat faster because you were looking straight back at me, looking at me with the same intense gaze as I supposedly was at you. That is when my feelings for you were strongest. It would feel foolish to say that I loved you because it begs the question "Can you really love someone at 13 years old?" And the truth is I don't know.

I was scared of alot of things. Alot of firsts happened with you even if they weren't significant. They mattered to me at the time and they made me feel older. I feel like that part of the year was sigficant in many ways. I would definetly say that I love you now. Without a doubt. Nothing you could do would change hat now. And maybe I don't have the same urge as I used to to kiss you and be with you as more than a friend but have I just trained myself to control those feelings and pretend to move on from you? I mean you moved on soooooo quickly. It hurt me and made it harder. I blamed myself. What had I done for you to want someone else so easily and for that next realstionship to progress soooooo quickly. Or is my love for you completly platonic? Is the fact that I'm questioning this proof that it is not purely platonic?

I want to tell you. I want to tell you everything...or at least the regrets I have and explain myself. Or do I keep carrying this on my back and wait until it becomes something I can laugh at. I am not at the stage yet. It does feel like ages ago now but I still feel like it was a major point in my growing up and therefore what is said on how I felt will matter to me and probably hit me harder than I think. But I want to tell. I want to finish this completly and think of you exactly like I would a friend who I had no previous relationship with. Ok, not exactly, because there are very few people that I am so amazingly close to as you. But I want to close this chapter once and for all. It is now just dependant on whether or not I do it.

Maybe I say to myself get everything you can off your back...be an open book. Talk to Will other wise you will be worrying for even longer than you already have. And then take it as it comes but start a clean slate for him beforehand. Whatever the reason, make your decision.