Until you tell me

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"I was nine years old when I met my best friend. He had been sleeping in the big drain tunnels down by the old creek behind our house. Sammy and I would always go down and throw rocks at the old rotten tire hanging from the tree by the water. It wasn't deep enough to swim but we managed to entertain ourselves pretty good.



One day, a few days after my ninth birthday me and Sam packed up our bag lunches made by Mama, with love she always said, and hauled ass down to the rocky creek bed. Both of us were more determined than the other to find the biggest, smoothest skipping rock for our next trip to the lake with Dad. Ya see him and Mama didn't live together anymore because he had a new family with a woman named Kate. Mama says it was just not meant to be, but she'd never exchange what she got out of it. I knew she meant me and Sam.



Anyway, Sam had gotten ahead of me somehow and tumbled to a stop right in front of that big ole' gaping tunnel. Ya know, the big metal ones that are really dark and send the ants up your spine if you stare at 'em too long? It was always dark and wet, but for some reason you were always curious about what they lead too.


Sam yelled for me to come look and when I reached him he was frozen to the spot, too afraid to move, in case the shadow that was curled up inside the lip of the tunnel took a notion to attack or somethin'. I pushed Sammy behind me and told him to keep his gourd shut. As I crept up on the thing it started shakin' and groanin'. It was makin' the most god awful noise I had ever heard in all my nine years of life but I wasn't scared, no way.



I puffed out my chest, pushed my shoulders back and walked right up to that shadow, nudging it with the tip of my dirty sneaker. It shifted and raised one if its lumps into the air, letting out another one of those wicked groans. Well, now, I might have been a little bit scared at this point but I wouldn't tell no one else about it. The creature moved into what looked like a sitting position before I noticed that the lump it had lifted when I kicked at it was actually a head, complete with wild, brown hair, sticking up in every direction! The thing it was covered in fell down even more, laying stiff around its shoulders, to reveal a dirty face with the bluest eyes I had ever seen in my life. I know, that sounds girly, but by God I've never spoken truer words.
I was so out of sorts that I couldn't speak for the longest time. I just stood there like a fish outta water, watching what I knew now was a little boy, staring right back at me from under some kinda dirty old blanket. I don't know how long we stayed there, just lookin at one another; but it musta been long enough for Sam to get worried that something was happenin' to me because he came rushin' in that tunnel like a bat outta hell, tryin' to be some kind of avenging hero. When he saw the boy I think he might have been shocked just like I was, but Sam always has been the smarter of the two of us.



He jumped right into action, kneeling in front of the other kid and checking him over. He asked all the right questions too, if he was hurt, how old he was, his name. I hadn't thought of any of that; but here comes Sam, barging in and taking control just like he always does, even though he was only five at the time.


We learned that his name was Castiel, or Cas as I started calling him, and he was 10 years old, almost 11. His Mama and Daddy had gone on a trip about a month before and never came back. The landlord had come knockin for the rent and Cas had run. That was a whole week before we had found him. Turns out he had been stayin' in different tunnels and under bridges all around town so he wouldn't be caught.



Now my Mama must have been raisin' me right, because I couldn't just let this kid who was no older than me sleep out here in this grimey old tunnel. Instead I moved forward and helped him up to his feet, so that we could look each other in the eye, and led him by the hand out onto the fresh summer air. It was only a little after noon so me and Sammy weren't due home for another few hours. I gently pushed Cas down onto a big boulder and handed him my bag lunch.



The look on his face was the kind that would break a grown ups heart; but as a kid I don't think I really understood it. To me he just looked really hungry, so I did what my Mama would have wanted me to do. I fed him. His eyes lit up like the sky in the morning and for a second, with the sun shinin' behind his head like it was; kinda like a halo ya know, I thought that I was lookin at an angel. I knew even then that I hadn't ever seen nobody like him.


I urged him to eat the ham sandwich and carrot sticks my Mama had packed and when he was done I pulled him back to his feet again. With Sammy trailin' behind us I lead him all the way home. Well, I guess it was destiny or somethin' that led us to that tunnel that day because once Cas stepped foot into our lives he never left.

My Mama searched high and low for his parents, with the help of the police of course, and Cas stayed in my bedroom while they tried tracking them down. The police men wanted to take Cas away and put him in one of those group homes where kids who don't have parents go but Mama wouldn't let them. She said he was fine right where he was, with us, he was family now.
For years we went on like this, just existing with each other. When you saw one of us you knew the other wasn't far behind, even if he was a year ahead of me in school. Everyone knew that if you messed with sweet, little Cas you'd be dealing with me and I don't take kindly to people messing with my family.



Years went by and we just kept getting closer. Sometimes Mama would watch us while we did our homework at the kitchen table and she'd just smile one of her secret smiles. The ones she saved just for us. Sammy liked to tease us about bein' in love, but he was just a dumb kid, what did he know, lord knows I had no idea. At thirteen years old I was as blank as a sheet of paper, just waiting to be filled in.



On Cas' 17th birthday I watched him walk into a closet with Meg Masters and felt my heart break for the very first time. I didn't know it then, I just knew that whatever this feeling was; it hurt and I wanted it to stop more than anything, so I left the party and walked up a flight of steps to our bedroom, which held Cas' bed now too. I fell down on to the mattress of my own bed and I cried. Boy, I don't think I had ever cried so much about anything in my life.
Mama must have heard me from her bedroom though, because she came in and sat down on the edge of my bed while I gripped the bottom of her shirt and blubbered like a baby. She just ran her fingers through my hair and smiled sadly down at me. I begged her to make it stop cause I felt like this pain was gonna rip me in half and she said the one thing that I've kept with me since. "Baby, if you want that pain to stop you gotta hold your head up high and fight for that boy. Don't stop until he tells you he doesn't want it anymore." So that's what I did.



The next year on my own 17th birthday I confessed my feelings to my best friend; right in front of God and everybody. He looked at me with wide, careful eyes and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest like it was going to break free and flop around on the floor. Then he did something I never expected, he grabbed me up by the collar of my shirt and pulled me into the best kiss I had ever had in my life. All of our friends cheered and whistled and it felt like my world had just started spinning again.


Today I'm twenty nine years old, Cas is thirty. I just married my best friend and the love of my life. It was a long, exciting adventure and I'm more than happy that I could share it with you, Sweetheart." Dean smiles softly as he looks down onto the eyes of his new husband and lifts the champagne shoot he had been holding while making his toast high into the air. "Here's to sharing the rest of this adventure with you. I love you Cas. Until you tell me you don't want it anymore and way beyond that."

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⏰ Last updated: Sep 22, 2021 ⏰

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