C a p t u r e d

4: Virginity

       

Chapter Four- Virginity

virgin

1. Someone who has never had sexual intercourse.

2. In most societies, a virgin is viewed as someone who overflows with innocence and purity.

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  Why me?

  I wished that I never met Tyson. I wished that I'd never known him in the first place.

  In a single instant, Tyson had become the main character in all of my nightmares. Something about him was just so fucking scary.

  I couldn't go to the police. I couldn't go to my roommate. I couldn't go to my family. I might as well pretend that he didn't exist.

   (Cue the corny movie soundtrack.)

  By some miracle, the psychologist declared me negative for any signs of schizophrenia. Instead, he concluded that I had a panic attack/self-harming incident. He also proclaimed that I was a chronic liar, and I needed more therapy.

  When I told my parents that I wasn't even suicidal, they decided that I really was a self-seeking bitch. So they fired Lisa (thank God), and that was the end of it.

  (End corny soundtrack.)

  Do you really think that was the end of it?

  Fuck you!

  You didn't know me. You didn't know what my life was like.

  Winter break was hellish. My parents dragged me to a ski lodge and forced me to spend the whole time with Jackie.

  When the two of us were little, we used to play games by the wharf. Her family and mine would all go to Cape Cod. I remembered that one time, we found two stuffed animals on the ground- hers was Cod, and mine was Cape. Our friendship, which used to be so rhythmic, had turned so stilted and silent.

  So all of winter break, I spent the whole time trying to ditch her. I even succeeded a few times. She hated it. She was still walking on eggshells around me, but hated being alone. I was her substitute for her loneliness.

  I stole my mom's wallet and snuck off to multiple stores, buying trinkets to calm my paranoia.

  A cross necklace. Multiple door-locks. A jagged hunter's knife.

  I wasn't religious, but that didn't stop me. I began to wear the cross necklace constantly. Told everyone it was for "fashion reasons".

  Usually, things like this, for me, were temporary obsessions. Like one time in high school, I spent all summer exercising, all determined to try out for cheerleading, but when the next year came around, I didn't even try out. I tended to flit from thing to thing. Fad to fad to fad to fad. Especially when I was experiencing mania. It made my behavior all the more erratic.

  A fad. A vampire fad. My parents didn't even question it.

  When Jackie and I got back Spring Park College, I put the locks on the front door of our dorm. I also took to wearing a leather jacket that fit my knife, but it was basically invisible. It was technically against school rules, but it made me feel safe when I walked anywhere. And considering I couldn't drive, I walked everywhere.

  Late March. Oh no. The lack of Tyson just made me feel panicked. Like any day, he was bound to show up.

  My roommate Jackie had recently broken up with her boyfriend. She spent the nights awake. Lately, our conversations were short and callous, because I wanted nothing to do with her. Whenever I fell asleep, usually after midnight, she was doing yoga on the carpet.