The rainbow seekers guide to seeking rainbows

Will

Will didn't know how he should feel, what he should feel.

What was grief?

There were the five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Will knew plenty about them - when he hadn't been so sure of which practice of medicine he had wanted to go for, he had done some research on it.

But Will didn't really feel like he was denying anything. Nor did he feel he was angry, or any of the other stages. It had been pretty clear to him that Nico was currently in the stage of anger - he had skimmed over denial, Nico had seen too much death to deny it - his colours had been more rough and all over the place than usual, and their chaos made no sense, not like they usually did. Instead, all Will had been able to see was a swarm of blues and greys furiously buzzing around him like a hive of agitated bees.

Will felt empty.

It was at times like these that he wished he could see his own colours. Then, perhaps he could identify whatever this feeling of nonexistence was.

With a sigh, he went to wake his boyfriend from his slumber.

Recently, it seemed that Nico was having more frequent nightmares. Will would always walk in to find a starless nebula coalescing into that kneeling angel with his executioner. And then, when Nico woke, the cloud would dissipate like it had never existed in the first place.

Will reckoned it was a recurring nightmare, but of course he didn't know. His synaesthesia didn't allow him to read minds.

"Will?"

Surprisingly, Nico was already awake. Will could count on two hands how many times that had happened, and on one how many times he had seemed this alert instead of being drowsy and fatigued. It looked like he needed to add one more to his mental tally.

"Hey Neeks! Looks like I don't need to splash cold water on your head today!"

Nico looked at him sideways. "Why?"

That confused Will. "Why what?"

"Why are you pretending?" Nico turned away to face the wall. "Why are you trying to be happy? Normal?" He stared at the blank space without blinking. "Jason died, Will. Why are you behaving so - so - so normal?"

Will flinched from the way Nico said those words. He said them in an accusing manner, a spiteful one. As if he had done something wrong.

When he didn't say anything, Nico pushed further. "You should be sad, goddammit!" It was rare that Nico ever cursed using God's name - due to his Catholic upbringing or something. That hit Will even harder than the shouting itself. "You should be grieving! Mourning! You shouldn't be...just going about your everyday life like nothing had happened. What, did Jason mean nothing to you?"

In the softest whisper, Will replied, "What makes you think I'm not sad? What makes you think I don't fucking care about Jason?"

"The fact you're standing here like this!" Nico spat vehemently. "So normally! Going about your day like you always do, coming here to wake me up like usual, making jokes like nothing's changed." He emphasised his words with his hands.

Will blinked, hurt. He went into the kitchen without another word.

- - - - - - -

When Nico passed him for a glass of water, neither acknowledged the other. When Will went to his desk to get his work, neither acknowledged the other. When a package was delivered to the wrong address, neither of them spoke to each other. They tried their best not to be in the same room, and interacted as little as possible - neither addressed a word to the other. Nico did this more than Will - Will felt content with simply ignoring his boyfriend.