"You look tired. Are you okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine. I just got two hours of sleep."
"Oh my gosh." I shrugged.
"It happens a lot. No need to worry." I shook my head and walked away. As soon as I was alone once again I hated myself for lying to my friends. Something was going on with me and they knew it. But I didn't want to worry anyone. I didn't want to be a bother. Having these emotions made me feel weak. And I felt even more weak if I expressed them. I don't know why.
I walked along the hallway paying no attention to much. I was lost in my own thought. My mind wandered off to different topics. Death, despair, sadness, depression, loneliness, and pain. Pain seemed to be the one that overpowered most of them. A burning sensation was stuck in my throat and a tightening feeling in my chest. It was utterly annoying at times but other times it was comforting knowing I didn't feel completely empty. "I'd rather feel pain than feel empty." I muttered to myself. I sighed deeply and entered class still lost in my thoughts. Shit. I need to pull myself together. Just one more class period and I'm done. I can go home and take a break from acting like I'm okay. "You can do this." I whispered to myself. I managed to pull all of the strength I could muster and took my school things out. My friends turned to me and started small talk. I smiled and laughed like I normally did around them before I became depressed. It was just something I needed to do to keep them happy. After all, why would I mess up their happiness because of my selfish sadness. When class ended I gathered my things and walked out of the room. I quietly walked to my bus and took my usual seat towards the back of the bus. Everyone around me was laughing and talking loudly to each other. I grabbed my headphones and turned my Ipod on. Music filled my ears and soon enough I was in my own world. Why do I even bother get out of bed anymore. Each day is torture. I shook my head and listened to the lyrics play out during the entire bus ride.
As the bus pulled to my bus stop I stood up and walked out. The rest of my cousins trailed behind me as we walked to my house. Everyone always met up at my house. I knocked on the door and could see my brother run to unlock the door through the window. "Hi Lilah!" He said excitedly as I walked through the door.
"Hey kiddo." He returned his attention back to the Xbox as I walked through the living room. I took my backpack off and set it down in my room and paused my music. I set my iPod down on my dresser and walked back to the kitchen where my aunts and grandma sat. They were gossiping as usual when I acknowledged them. I went over to each of them and greeted them with a kiss on the cheek. Then I walked back to my room and shut the door behind me. I grabbed my iPod only this time I unplugged the headphones and plugged it my speakers. Music played as I pulled out my homework. Anything to distract the hell that was going on in my head. Anything to block out the pain that I was feeling in that moment. I just needed something. Anything. Seconds later I could hear a loud knock coming from my door. "Lilah! Mom said you need to eat!" I furrowed my brows and sighed deeply.
"Tell her I'll eat later!" I called out to my sister as I continued answering the questions to my World History honors packet.
"She said now!"
"I'm doing my homework! I'll eat later!" I was beginning to get annoyed. What did she care if I ate or not. It didn't matter.
"She said she doesn't care!" With that, my sister opened the door to my room without warning. I was sitting there on the floor surrounded by piles of homework. I shook my head in frustration and finally agreed to eat. I walked to the kitchen and served myself what little there was to eat. I grabbed my plate and made room for myself at the table along with all my other aunts. And of course, as if on cue their gossip turned to me. I was once again the topic of their discussion. I tried to tone them out but a few words escaped me and hit me like a ton of bricks. "She's different from everyone in this family. She's special." I gave them an annoyed look. "She's weird." That's what set me off. My own family was using me as a tool for their entertainment. I rolled my eyes and kept eating. I finished my food and left immediately. I hated hearing them judge me for what I did and the way I acted. I was sick and tired of it. I stormed out of the kitchen and into my room where I shut the door behind me and turned the volume up even more. Music blasted through the speakers as I attempted to finish my homework.
Sure enough my sense of peace was shattered. "Right you're weird Lilah?" I tried ignoring them but their laughs made it hard to. I turned the music up louder and kept doing my homework. "Lilah open that door right now!" I rolled my eyes and opened the door to find my mom glaring at me. "We've been calling you for the last five minutes. Don't you have any respect?!" I narrowed my eyes at her comment. Out of all things she could have possibly said, she decided to use the word respect. That was one thing she didn't have for me. Respect. She didn't respect me. She didn't respect the things that I did. She didn't respect my choices. And I was definitely not going to respect them for treating me the way that she did.
