Light leaked through the curtains and shone on his face. He squinted slightly and slowly let his eyes open to meet the sun's glare. Scott sat up, wanting nothing more than to lean back into his bedsheets and meet the warmth under the covers but he knew if his head touched the pillow again, he would fall into a deep sleep that he might not wake from. He pondered the idea of letting himself go so he would be able to forget about everything that had happened, but every morning he would force himself from his bed and find the energy to continue on with the day. His days had become dull and routine. He wandered apathetically towards the kitchen, his feet dragging behind one another until he reached the countertop, lazily gathering the ingredients for his morning coffee. Carrying his mug to his desk, Scott, without even thinking, took out a fresh piece of paper and began writing.
Dear Alex,
It's the start of another month without hearing your voice. I still don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself. My body feels hollow without you around. Your laugh echoes in my ears and I miss the sound of your breathing when you lie next to me.
I keep thinking about running. I keep thinking that I should just get up and leave, let my feet take me to where you are, run and join you because fuck, I miss you Alex.
I miss everything about being with you. There's not a moment that we shared that I don't think about every day - singing to every song on the radio, our endless car games on road trips, giggling at messages to each other even though we were sitting right next to each other, our late night talks - just thinking about it is bringing me to tears.
Come back to me, Alex, I need you.
Love, Scott.
He wiped away a tear that was welling in his eyes and folded the sheet of paper, stuffing it into yet another envelope. "March 23, 2015" was quickly scribbled on to the front before Scott placed it in the desk drawer, stacking it under another envelope, "March 22, 2015". Writing the letters had become ritual and he thought they would let him face his emotions rather than keeping them bottled inside. In all honesty though, it made him feel worse. Scott glanced out the window to see the empty road, the newly risen sun peaking through the trees. He forgot about his troubles for a split second before the sound of his phone distracted him and he shuffled over to the couch to check it. A message from Mitch read, "hey u up?". Mitch had been making attempts to get Scott to talk. He'd been reclusive for the past few weeks since it happened and Mitch knew something was up. He thought about spilling everything, every emotion and thought he had about Alex and what happened between them, how it had ended so fast. His fingers hovered over the keyboard but the moment he began typing, he took it all back. Scott tossed his phone to the side.
He didn't need the comfort of others, he only needed Alex. Combing his fingers through his hair in frustration, Scott let out a sigh. "What the fuck am I supposed to do, Alex?" he muttered under his breath. He wanted to run, leave, escape - nothing was stopping him. The apartment felt like it was suffocating him and trapping him with old memories - memories he cherished but tormented him with the memory of a better time, a better life. Escaping from his cooped up apartment was probably what he needed anyway. "I just need to get away" he thought. He fought with himself in his head, deciding what to do until his mind got the better of him. With a sudden rush of adrenaline, Scott leapt from the couch and stumbled towards the door. Reaching for the door knob, he hesitated. He paced behind the door for a moment, getting caught up in his thoughts again. He thought to himself, wondering where he should go but in the back of his mind he already knew. He needed confrontation. He needed closure. He needed Alex.
Discarding any more excuses, he stepped out of his apartment and raced down the stairs, reaching the bottom of the staircase before sprinting out the door and down the barren sidewalk. Scott ran so fast he was out of breath and slightly lightheaded. He felt a sharp pain in his side from a cramp but continued running. He was determined to get there before he would talk himself out of it and change his mind like he had a thousand times before. In what seemed like no time at all he arrived at the towering black gate. The neighbourhood was tranquil, and the sound of chirping birds met Scott's ears. There were few people around as Scott roamed through the unkempt grass. Scott caught his breath and stood, uncertain again. His palms began to sweat and his heart beat faster. With a sharp intake of breath, he walked towards the headstone, letting his fingers lightly touch the granite and stuttered, "H-Hi Alex".
