Meeting August

Dreams and Reality

WARNING: MEDYO--MEDYO SPG LANG NAMAN. MATANDA NA TAYO PERO LANDI RESPONSIBLY PA RIN DAPAT.

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I... I've been dreaming.

I told myself on a Tuesday morning. I wasn't on my usual self. I have been skipping my medicines for the past weeks. And I don't know what was happening. Am I?

The last thing I knew, I have been daydreaming. About myself... Yes, about myself hugging someone. Laughing with someone. Watching movies with someone. Sitting in a couch. Cuddling in the bed. On the Kitchen counter. Smiling with each other. Making out.

There were dreams that shocks me the most. The once that I never thought will pass out on my head.

Arms around his neck, deep kisses, my legs around his waist, locking every inch of him on me... carrying the whole me while kissing. My hands on his hair, him kissing my neck, to my clavicle and down to my chest. Sitting on his lap. His hands slowly rushing in between my legs. I bite my lower lip, keeping myself sane. But deep down... I am fucking dizzy with all the sensations that I've been feeling.

I gently put my thumb on his forehead, down to his nose bridge and stopped with his lips. Napaawang yung bibig ko at nararamdaman ko ang bawat pag hinga nya. Fuck. Our eyes met for a second then I continued tracing his lips down to his neck. Napaawang ang bibig ko ng naramdaman ko ang pagtaas baba ng adams apple nya. But before I turn my eyes to him again, I suddenly felt his hands as it found the access to my in between.

Gusto ko siyang patigilin sa ginagawa nya pero naliliyo ako. I can hear an unknown voice, an unknown word. This time, I tried to look at him. His eyes, I can sense that he's enjoying the view. And I grabbed that opportunity to kiss his lips again... more aggressive.

I found my clothes on the floor as he takes off his shirt. He went back in front of me then started kissing my neck down to my shoulder blades. I don't know why but I let him do that. I lock my arms around his neck as I let him access my whole upper. His kisses were gentle, slowly and gentle. It was like, his marking every inch of my body.

For a sudden, he stopped. Hinahanap ko yung sagot sa mga mata nya kung bakit. And I figure it out when I found him unclasping my underwire then gently taking it off, exposing my boobs. Exposing the half of me.

Tangina.

Napadilat ako at muling napapikit. Nagising sa katotohanan na lahat ng iyon ay hindi totoo.

Those thoughts have been bugging me for the past days. And I know I am changing. That the thought of changing scares me too. Because I am not like that.

Paano ba talaga dapat ako?

Prim and Proper.

Someone describes me as one of it. A person who's correctly behaved and very formal. I was, past tense... I was someone who's very afraid of breaking the rules. Someone cautious about etiquette. Obsessed with being precise, moral. Something that I have been doing for the past 25 years.

Raised on a very conservative family. Stepping on the standards built by my family and extended family, that people outside of our circle wasn't able to see the darker side hiding in our shadows. The disgusting faces, attitude and way of living...

And now, I am setting it free. Slowly... and surely.

"Ano ba, matagal na akong ganito. Hindi niyo lang nakikita." Matagal ng bastos. Matagal ng gaga. Matagal ng nagrerebelde. Matagal ng nasasakal.

Tumahimik ang lahat na para bang tinatantya nila ang bawat sasabihin ko. Nakasalalay ang bawat sagot nila sa isasagot ko. Na para bang isa akong mamahaling baso na pag natabig nila ay mababasag. Hanggang sa may isang hindi nakapagpreno...

"Hindi bagay sayo. Napaka Prim and Proper mo."

I tried not to get hurt and instead be flattered pero bakit hindi? Bakit hindi bagay sakin?