A Letter From A Broken Heart

Dear Lover, Friend, and Love Lost,

If I were to look back on my life, I would never expect it to end this way. This would be my last time reaching out to you because every effort I have put in doesn't seem to get a response back, well, not the response I want and the reoccurring heartache is just too much.

We started off as something cute and innocent. Nothing too serious and every day was a new adventure for the both of us. You though, turned into my rock and I became your support. All of our secrets were shared and memories were saved away into our minds only for us to explore in the future, because my dear love, they are only ours. A couple of weeks turned into months and months turned into years. Years of love, happiness and the beauty of our unconditional love that I have yet to experience again. You were my everything. My heart, my soul, the center of my chaotic world. You were the constant thing I knew that would always be there. The one person to never let me down no matter what I did or said. What we had people were jealous of. What we had made people want to ruin it and we made it through by sticking together. Those events made us isolate ourselves in fear of someone breaking us apart.

But we broke those unwritten and unsaid rules. We let people back in and that was our down fall.

I know we didn't plan this. I know that if you could change the out come that you would want to go back and change those mistakes you and I both made. When I look back I envy the younger me. She had everything she could ever want, but her inexperience made her not appreciate what she had before her eyes and that caused the bubbling up emotions in you. I never cheated or lied. I just thought after so many years you were getting bored and my naivety, along with outside influence, made me think that jealousy was the only way to get you interested again, but all that happened was it pushed you further away from me and closer to her.

You tried so hard to care for me. I see that now, but unfortunately you were drifting away and I stayed the same. Your support from me was still there, but my rock had been weared down to sand that washed away from me. The ending of us was devistating. Our friends were even affected by it because we were supposed to be that one couple. That couple who defied the odds and stayed together. That couple who you would see ten years from now and say, "Wow, they haven't changed one bit." and mean it in a good way. Someone even told me, "If you guys can't make it, what's the chance for the rest of us?" That's how amazing we were together. I never wanted to give it up, but you straying made me act as though it didn't matter. I wanted to be strong. I tried so hard, but everything in my life came back to you.

Every scar on my body belongs to you. You could point to one and ask why I did that and I would have a long story as to why it's because of you. Then there's the infamous one that travels in a sickening direction and distance that should have ended my life because when I saw your other life in action with her I mentally couldn't take anymore blows. You had caught me next to the dumpster making the life threatening cut, but you saved me. You selfishly saved me! I didn't want to be here anymore. I didn't want to go through life knowing that you weren't with me. I didn't want to live on knowing that you were making someone else happy and I was here going through the motions numbly.

I fucking hate you for that.

Why couldn't you just let me go? I had given up on there being an "us" or a "we" ever again. I accepted it and for you to have the audacity to sit there and act like you know what's best for me makes me want to hurt you in ways that don't even seem possible. What's best for me is you! I have given up on that hope though. After that incident, you never looked at me the same again, diminishing any fantasy in my mind.

You never thought I would be capable of taking my own life.

You never realized how much you meant to me.

You never knew how much I wanted to die.

You never missed me.

You never called to check up.

You deleted me in every aspect of your life and that was supposed to help?

Do you feel anything from my absence? Do you shred tears at night when you realize tomorrow you have to go through another day alone? Do you mourn the failed attempt of your suicide? Do you fall asleep just so you could get some peace and to pretend that everything is how they were supposed to be, only to wake up and get sucked more into the world of unhappiness?

I do.

Are you happy? Every day I try to tell myself that if your happy, I'm happy, but all it does is anger me that you get to move on. You get to live your life not affected by the outcome of our falling out. That you forgot about me without thinking twice about it. You pitied me because of what I have become, but what you failed to realize it that you're the one who caused all of this. All of it! Life just isn't fair sometimes and I have been at the receiving end of that all my life.

No one see's me as the happy girl anymore. The whispers are too loud now and I just can't take the stares anymore. Stares of pity, disgust, and the occasional faked smile.

I still love you. This broken heart still works for you. The shattered remains try to stick together to help me move on, but they're falling short. I might sound pathetic and you might not even give this a second thought, but I don't care. It's out there and I opened up for you to see the real me. The girl who I hid anyways carefully, but she's bursting at the seams.

You won't see me anymore.

You won't have to deal with me anymore.

You're with her now.

So you can't save me this time and that'sthe way it should be. I will love you forever and always, but the  crater in my heart is just too big to mend.

Please don't foget me. 

Love Always,

Your Forgotten Lover