Undeserving Love

Feelings I wish I didn't had

Since that incident took place no one would hang out with me in my class. My best friends Apo and Thar apologized me as their families will scold them if they talk with me.
What was the incident which led me in this misery? Last year I gradually realized that I like boys, earlier I had these feelings but they were not subtle but when I met Fah I was attracted by his handsomeness and cool behavior. He always indulged himself in sports, especially football and became star player since he was chosen for town level team. We became friends as we were classmates he would often put his hand on my shoulder, would suddenly come and hug me from the back, would tell me that my skin is softer like girls. I, myself didnt realise when I fell for him. Fah's attention towards me was also not helping in resisting those feelings, he would grab my waist, pinch my cheek which made me feel butterflies in my stomach. One day when school was over he invited me to play with him near the school, the area was kind of meadow playground, so many boys and girls would come there to hang around. When I went there, initially his two friends were there with him. We bought cone icecream and were enjoying it, then the two boys soon left us when Fah reminded both of them about their incomplete assignments. Now just the two of us there in the evening, we sat on the ground with each other. My heart was filled with excitement with this intimacy. Fah sat so close to me that his knee and shoulder was touching me. He asked me how the study is going I told him flustered, its good. Further I dont remember the conversation but he said 'you look cute when you get shy' and pinch my cheeks, 'I like this cute face' he said, then he put the hand on my thigh, stared at me for a while and I realize his face was coming closer to me I closed my eyes to feel his lips on mine, he slowly kissed me but I was just being there like statue, my heart was beating so fast, by his other hand he held back of my neck for more access and tried to enter his tongue, he caressed my thigh by the other hand and I gasped for air, he immediately put his tongue inside my mouth and mingled it with mine. Now I was also responding, while I felt his other hand on my waist pulling my shirt's hem from my pant, delicately he caressed the skin there, his hand was moving upwords, he put his one knee between my knees and was straddling me now, I realized both of us getting hard down there. His hand was moving towards my chest and suddenly we heard someone loudly shouting Fah, both of us were startled and looked in that direction it was his girl friend Natty, always hanging around with him therefore other students thought she was his girlfriend, even though he himself never said so. There were two other girls with her. Fah was immediately flustered and bounced back from me to a distance. Natty was staring at him with anger, he immediately said that she was mistaken he doesnt like boys and that made me gobsmacked. The girl will do simething I thought but I couldn't say anything as Fah left with them without saying anything to me. The next day his parents came to our school and teacher called my father, Fah looked nervous I was nervous too and of course there was those three girls too. His parents from the beginning began to accuse me for spreading my disease to their son, seducing him, I denied but no one was interested in listening to me. My father came and Fah's parents furiously accused me by saying that it was me who called their boy after school. Fah was silent despite I said that he likes me. My father got angry by this confession of me liking the boy and slapped me on my face and shout at me to shut up. He told principal and Fah's parents that he'll teach me better and in future nothing like this will happen. I helplessly kept looking at Fah but he did not utter a word. My father dragged me from there, since then I was grounded, I was not allowed to play after school hours or before it. I didnt go against it as my friends began to avoid me and will not talk to me, my neighborhood people will look at me differently now and will tell their sons not to hang out with me. My father told me that if I like boys it will be like that and I will not be liked or loved by anybody. Fah was transffered to the school in the city so there was no confrontation or explanation, gradually I forgot about it too. Now it has been six months and I'm used to this situation, I just go to school, study and help my father, I dont start coversation with anyone in school too. In few days my highschool days will end and I'll go to university in town for graduation, I'm not excited like others but I just want to escape this life.