Today was my high school's homecoming football game, I didn't go to it because I knew that if I went I would wind up crying in my room once I got home. Now I'm crying in my room anyway.
Some days you just are not feeling it and that is what was happening for me today, I was in a terrible mood and I could not explain why. On days like these I tend to search for why I am so lonely despite trying so hard to talk to people and to be involved in things. I'm on the soccer team and there are these two girls who noticeably hate me; they ignore me every time I say anything to them, they constantly try to drag me down by commenting on my playing, and they take offense to anything I say or talk over me. I was thinking, and maybe the reason they hate me is because of a misunderstanding started by a completely different girl who used to be on the team. All she would have had to do is say, "Her ex uses the N word and her step dad was super racist when he was the coach here," and suddenly I am a racist. Don't these girls know what it feels like to be singled out? To be so lonely for reasons you don't even know? It hurts, it hurts so much every single day, and for a person like me, I may feel it the rest of my life; so, if you happen to be reading this, please reconsider what you say about others. Life is hard enough without gossip.
On another note, I was innocently thinking about how so many women love to pretend that a baby, that is not their's, is their own. I always thought this was weird, if it's not my own kid I really want nothing to do with it; however, my opinions here may stem from the fact that I was pretty much forced to choose whether to be motherly or to stay away from my baby brothers when I was about 10 years old. I loved playing with everyone when I was little, I always wanted a sibling, but I was 10 and my step mother felt as though I were mean or I was teaching my baby brother bad things when I would try to play with him. I either needed to be motherly, or nurturing, or I was made to feel overwhelmingly guilty. It grosses me out to think about, of course I was going to be mean to my siblings, I just wanted to play. Instead I felt guilty and embarrassed and like I needed to hide the fact I was a girl, because if I had been a boy it would have been viewed as tough love, not that I was a bad person. I feel as though all of this really really fucked me up. Seriously.
The best part about it was that both my dad and stepmom watched dozens of parenting videos before they had my baby brother because my older step brothers turned out to be very "troubled" you could say. All of those parenting videos to make my little brother perfect, while I was tossed aside like a failed experiment. I think if that any single person had given me the special attention and understanding and help that I needed to thrive, my life could have been totally different. Every time when I was only 11 years old that I thought, "it's too late for me to pursue this," someone stepped in and said, "No, you have forever to change and be whoever you want to be." I would be great at something. If someone who saw how smart I was took me and pushed me to be better instead of telling me to put my hand down in class because she knew I already had the right answer, maybe then I would be great. However, no one did. Everything I have accomplished has only through my own determination, I guess that makes me strong or whatever, but it must mean that even now I have time to make the changes I want and become who I want to be. Maybe I should have gone to the football game, maybe I should have made plans with friends, maybe my night to myself was well earned so it's okay that I am sitting at home alone while everyone else is having a nice time.
I don't fucking know, but I do know that I enjoy writing, and I'm not crying anymore.
